Story of My Life

Chapter 11

Walking in to Ma's house, it looked like disaster struck. Her door was unlocked and that was strange. 

She always said, "Lock your doors Lois, what would happen if a man came in and took advantage of 

you?" I use to joke. "That's OK Ma, hope he's single." She'd slap me with a dish cloth that she carried 

like a security blanket. This was not normal. Wine bottles were strewn across the floor. Her table cloth 

was spread out as if she were having a picnic.

Continuing to the livingroom, I heard a faint feeble sound call my name. "Lois, is that you?" Lois, help 

me?

Terrified I followed the sound until I saw Ma laying on the couch with her fluorescent pink sleep mask 

upside down laying across her nose. The slogan in black print summed it up perfectly "no rest for the 

bitches."

"Ma what happened?" I knelt down and grabbed her hand.

"I'm a leopard Lois," she slurred.

"What are you talking about Ma?"

"I'm a leopard." She said once again. "I have a young man who likes me, Lois."

"A cougar Ma? I think you mean a cougar." I smiled. She was going to be OK.

"Ma are you drunk?" I paused, then chuckled. This was not her forte.

"No I'm not drunk!" she attempted to stand and fell back onto the chesterfield holding her head.

"Oh My god, I'm dying Lois!"

"You're not dying Ma. You have a hangover." I walked to the fridge and to get her some juice. My 

choices were white or red. Not quite what I had in mind. Behind the dill pickles I found a half a 

glass of tomato juice. Lord only knew how long it had been there. But it was better than nothing.

She slurped it back. "Lois, Lois hunny, I'm so sorry I pushed you to go out with the grocery boy. 

Someone that you don't like. Consider this is my last will and testament, I will never..."

"Ma stop!" I do like him, I like him very much and grocery boy has a name. It's Chad."

I continued, "it was quite funny actually, he saw my butt and if that didn't scare him off, I might see 

him again."

Ma attempted to stand up again, her hands shaking. "What did I tell you about being easy, you know 

darn well men like a challenge! Why are you so easy Lois! Have a little respect for yourself," she 

continued. "Why on God's green earth would you show him your butt on the first date?"

Here we go.