It Was Only A Kiss

Chapter 6: Love Is Never Painless

Cleopatra

8:31PM

It took me about half an hour to pluck up the courage and leave the hill, it brought back so many warm feelings. I had been thinking of ways to kill myself for a couple of days, but not that it consumed my whole entire thought, I let it hang in my sub conscious. At first I thought overdose, then I was like nah… you could be found and your stomach could be pumped. Then I thought drowning, then I remembered that I go nowhere near water because that’s my biggest fear. Smart thinking Cleo. Then I thought about jumping off a multi-story building then I thought about how I was going to get up to one. So I decided to go for the classic jump-in-front-of-a-train. I know it sounds retarded, but I thought if I drank a whole load of vodka, took a load of sleeping pills, laid on the track where no one could see me I would be fine! It would be painless and fast, which is what I was aiming for. I didn’t really want any of me left.

I carried on walking down the cycle path slowly, the street lamps gave the trees a comforting glow or maybe that was just the vodka. My phone had been ringing off the hook for about half an hour straight. I guess they finally realised I wasn’t at home, school, Shona’s or Chloe’s house. Fuckers. It took them near four hours to figure it out. After another twenty minutes of walking and taking the odd gulp of vodka my mother AND father started texting me to come back, to not do anything stupid, and it’s not worth it and that they’re here for me blah… blah… blah… too little, too late.

9:13PM

I arrive at the small village train station, the next train was coming in a little under fifty minutes. So I start to prepare. I got the plastic bin bag out of my rucksack along with a hoodies, a necklace, a Me to You teddy bear, my diary and a small blue frame with a photo of us in it. I just needed to hear his voice one more time. If I’m honest I’ve been wanting to do it for a long while. I pick up my phone from beside me, deleted all the messages from my mama and dad and dialled his number. One ring, two ring, three ring. Voicemail. I knew he wouldn’t answer but if he did answer I probably wouldn’t have known what I would say. I thought a text message would be more appropriate, at least I still have a memory of what he sounds like.

It took me a good five minutes to construct that message and it took me another five to actually send it. I was sat on a small bench outside the stations entry door. The message wasn’t too long, too short, not too revealing about where I was. I’m sorry. For everything I’ve done. I don’t know what I did to make you do that to me but I really am sorry. I’m hurting Blake so bad and I can’t take it anymore, it won’t be painful and there won’t be anything left so… this is goodbye. I’ll love you forever and ever. You’re my forever Blake. Tears starting rolling down my face again. This will be the last time I shed tears for him. I start to put my phone in my pocket when I see his name flash up on my screen. I froze, do I answer it? do I not? I had about ten seconds before it went to voicemail so I picked up the phone.

‘H-H-H- Hello?’

‘Cleo’ he sighed in relief. There was a lot of noise behind him, I heard him shuffling to get to a quieter place. Just the sound of him breathing sent my heart into overdrive. ‘Where are you Cleo? I’m scared.’ His voice was controlled and slightly high pitched. He was scared.

‘I can’t tell you Blake, I wish I could tell you but I can’t. I really can’t, I can’t’ I began shaking my head violently. I can’t tell him, he’ll come and that will ruin everything. ‘I have to go now Blake, but remember I love you ok?’. I needed to get him off the phone it was breaking my heart.

‘No… no… Cleo you’ve got it all wrong, so so, so so, so wrong, be careful Cleo, I’ll be less than twenty minutes’. He began fumbling with what I assume to be his car keys. ‘I’ll be there soon beautiful’. All of a sudden I got a massive headache and I dropped my phone. It fell on the train track below and smashed. It was dark, cold and I was all alone.

9:51PM

Five minutes had passed since the phone call. I put on the hoodies that belonged to Blake, I then took out the remaining vodka, sleeping pills, photo frame, my diary, the necklace he brought me and the teddy bear. I threw the rucksack into a nearby bush. I put my necklace on, the teddy bear in my hoodies and put the pills in my pocket along with the small frame. I was stupidly drunk. I went down to the steps leading to the track but I slipped and landed in a horrible position. I’m 100% sure my leg is broken but I keep hold of my stuff and crawl to the middle of the track. I’m in so much pain and I begin to whimper I begin stroking the teddy bear on my chest and the photo frame. I use the light of the moon to write my last diary entry. It’s so bright, I can see everything, the plants to the side of the track, the gravel beneath my feet and the lake to my left. I pulled out the pills, took out five of them and swallowed them down with the remaining vodka. It took about two minutes before I starting getting woozy. I laid down and tried to fall asleep. But before I could doze off, I felt the tracks below me begin to rumble because of the incoming train. I squeezed my eyes shut waiting for it to be over. I heard a distant shouting but I didn’t know whether it was me or not. I started to sob, heavy loud sobs of desperation. The vibrations of the track got more violent and I crawled into a ball despite my leg and started screaming. Where did it all go so horribly wrong?

The next thing I know I feel myself being lifted off the track and carried in big strong arms. A familiar smell filled my nostrils, Le male by Jean Paul Gaultier, fresh pasta and paint. A rush of air swept past us as we climbed the steps towards the platform. I started to whimper again.

‘Shhhhhh… it’s ok’. His voice filled my ears, I slowly lifted my head to look into his deep brown eyes that twinkled in the moonlight. Everything was going to be ok. I was safe. I put my head on his chest and he carried me to his car to take me to the hospital. The gentle thump from his heart was enough to send me to sleep.