It Was Only A Kiss

Chapter 9: I Was Wrong From The Start

Blake (Aged 17)

Carnage. Carnage and anarchy were the only two words I could use to describe the last five hours of my life. I drove for what felt like a lifetime. I had fucked up extra bad this time, so, so bad now. I just thought if I stayed away from her she would just move on and forget me. I hoped she would hate me as much as I hated myself. But she couldn’t and she didn’t. She thought me leaving her was because of her imperfections, she blamed herself and now she couldn’t take the pain she was going through. It was all my fault. And now she wanted to kill herself. The fact that she wanted to end her life because of what I did tore me up inside, I had to save her and tell her that I’m sorry. I had to tell her how I much I still love her.

***

I remember in January we were walking down the lake Nene. We hadn’t been down there in years, maybe since we were six or seven. It brought back too many bad memories. It was cold and ice was everywhere. We walked slowly arm in arm down to the path overlooking the lake. We sort of stared at the lake hoping it would change, hoping that it didn’t remind us of what it did. We imagined, but it was still the same lake that took our friend away from us. The silence grew uncomfortable, then Cleo said something that would haunt me forever.

‘I feel a connection to this lake, to that train station in the distance. Everything around here,  it just sort of pulls me in. You know if anything were to um… to you and I, I’d come here to die. I love you so much Blake, more than you’ll ever know.’. She didn’t look at me when she said it. She just kept her eyes to the exact point where we lost him. She didn’t even laugh. She was being one hundred percent serious, she actually wanted to die here when the time came. I let go of her hand and turned to hug her. She reacted instantly by wrapping her arms around my waist. I put one of my hands on to her head and gently guided it to my chest. The other hand was tightly wrapped around her mid back. Tiny sobs escaped her mouth and I hugged her tighter.

‘Don’t even think about things like that Cleo. I’m never going to leave you. I love you too, more than you’ll ever know.’. I stood there with her for a long time calming her down. She always came down with me, she could never go by herself. She always preferred Adam to me, she was always in pieces when she came here. I never knew I could be jealous of a dead man. After another five or so minutes I called my mama and then we left.

***

I knew she would be at the train station, she wouldn’t go near the water. I just hope I wasn’t too late. I drove right to the end of the road that was parallel to the lake and ran to the station. I looked around and I couldn’t see or hear anything, I was starting to get really scared. Tears were threatening to fall down my face. If she has done it, I don’t know what I’ll do with my myself. I jump onto the track and I stand on what seemed to be a phone. She had to be close. I shout her name over and over and over again. All of a sudden I hear a distant whimper and I start to run towards it, I start shouting her name louder and louder. I want her to be ok so much, I start praying to God so hard. She started to scream and I finally reach her. She was curled up into a ball holding a photo of us and wearing one of my hoodies with a teddy bear in it. She was crying her eyes out, waiting for it to be over, waiting to die. Tears were rolling down my face when I picked her up from the track and carried her to safety. The tears just kept on coming. I had never meant to cause her so much suffering. I can literally feel my heart ripping into shreds. As I was climbing the stairs a train rushed passed us causing the wind to momentarily make me stop walking. Cleo started to sob as she realised who I was, she looked deep into my eyes like she was looking for something.

‘Sssssh… It’s ok’. I whispered into her ear as I carefully walked her back to my car. She wasn’t moving and she was so cold. I needed to take her to the emergency room before some shit happens. She’ll probably hate me for taking her there, but it’s for her own good. I heard light snores come from my chest as I unlocked the car door’s. She was safe now, everything was going to be ok.