Quit trying to laugh at your funny 'jokes' with me underneath. Seriously, it's not funny. This is not a rant.
I am internally quite fragile and I cry a lot. Alone. Almost no one had seen me cry, and the ones who sees me cry usually don't care if I cry.
I don't want to be taken as 'the person who you can make fun of'. I have feelings. Me laughing doesn't mean that I don't care. It means that I don't want you to see me in that state.
No, I'm not talking to specifically who, but I just want to tell everyone how I actually feel.
Why can you make fun of me when I can't even joke about your current situation? I don't joke about it because I know you won't be happy about it. Remember, I have feelings. I have my own problems. Might not mean a lot, but definitely enough to make me cry myself to sleep.
Why is it so hilarious to see me being pissed off? It's not funny. I have feelings.
Why am I always the punching bag? I have feelings. You can't express your feelings on me.
The worst part is that the things that are tearing me apart are all created by the ones I care most.
For all these years, I'm the nice one among my cousins, the serious one among my friends, and the expressionless one among everyone. I do that because everyone's a mess. I don't like seeing people in trouble or have problems. Why isn't there anyone actually caring for me? I don't always want to be the one to take care of people. Sometimes, just for a little while, I want to be the one whose taken care of.
Two weeks ago, I broke down in front of my mum and cried for an entire hour. She comforted me. The last time she did that was when I was six. It's not that I didn't cry for 8 years, it's that she didn't ever comfort me when I cried. When my dad comes home and saw me crying, he usually scolds me for doing things wrong or having anything red on my handbook.
I know a lot of my friends are going through tough times, but just so you know, I have feelings too. If you want to have laughter, don't put it on me. It might mean a little to you, but you need to know, call me 小氣, but I care a lot. Jokes aren't forever. Have a good laugh, get over it. Don't bring it up ever in front of me.(You know what I'm talking about.) If you can't even respect me for that and keep on doing this, I don't want to continue this so-called 'friendship'.
Letter to my mum: (just something personal, you can skip it, but I want to express my feelings.)
Why are you torturing my feelings? A joke is a joke. I take everything you say seriously because I care, and what do you do? Trash everything I do and say that I'm rubbish. You know that time when I couldn't write a Chinese sentence (作句) and you flew into rages? You told me I was stupid and dumb and rubbish and trash. You know how that sentence affected me to this day? I thought about suicide because I thought you didn't love me. I know I'm really stupid to think about these first world problems, but I really care about everything you say about me. If you think I'm good, I'll do good. If you think I'm stupid, I'm stupid. I don't want you to say something negative to me and then laugh about it afterwards. I have feelings. Don't think that choking me is funny. I know you are controlling your strength to not actually choke me, but I still feel the pain. After choking me for 10 minutes, I finally escaped and you decided to sit on me. You think it's funny, don't you? What I'm doing curling up into a ball under you, is crying, wondering what I did wrong to deserve this. Turns out, I did nothing wrong. You just like to mess with me. You called me fat. I took it in seriously. No one knows this, but I've been skipping lunch since a month ago. Just because of you.I comply with your rules because I am told to do so. You told me that you are a very free mother, compared to the ones on TV. Of course you are because the children are fucking 5-year-olds and their mothers are CRAZY. I compared you with others. No, you are not fair. You are not free. You didn't force me to join ECAs, but you made me stand outside the door in the middle of winter because I didn't finish all my medicine. You let me out to hang with my friends, but you made me write 20 times 'I will always put my shoes in place.' for not organizing my shoes. You let me use a mobile phone, but every time I didn't finish folding the clothes or ironing them on time, you confiscate it for a month because it's 'distracting me from my work' when I use the same or even more time to do chores without a phone. You are like mainland China, telling me that you're the freest of them all.
Leslie.
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Dear everyone reading this,
I have feelings.
Yours truly,
Leslie
