My mum just forced me to watch a movie with her tomorrow because 'I don't go out enough', but in fact I need to do my summer homework (I didn't finish it yet hehe), but I can't tell her that. I told her that I would go out with my friends next week, and she gave me some bull shit about going out on weekdays and during the weekend are different. She basically took her credit card out and book the seats first to prevent me from not going, and the only movie theatre the movie was screened is half an hour away! Like I'm not wasting my time to do what I don't want to do, but she forced it on me. And the worst part is that I gave her a sad pleading look, and she sat down to book the tickets while casually saying "It's always like this, you do whatever you want and I'll go with you, but you never go with me ever." Like, I don't want her to come, but when I was young, I need parent guidance to watch a movie. Never did I ask her to come with me to go to everywhere. I always said, "I want to go...", not "I want you to come with me to...", so she doesn't have to tag along. If tagging along was her idea, then it's not my fault that I don't go with her. She just said it to make me feel bad, and honestly it's working, which is not good. She is making me more depressed every day, and just the pressure she gives me is the main reason to my self-harming and kind of switching my dominant mood to sad or even depressed. She is always forcing stuff on me, and even though she asks it like a question, once I refuse the offer she makes me feel bad for not accepting and force it on me. She always says that she always gives me the best and that I should be grateful, but in fact besides my lunch money, she almost never gave me anything (she said I don't deserve it because of my grades and that I don't work hard enough, but in fact I work my hardest just to prove to her I don't suck but I'm always not enough, and I can never reach her 'standards'). By not having lunch, I got the things I always wanted. I used my lunch money to buy my CD collection. She has nothing to do with this (except the Get Weird CD), and she doesn't know what I'm passionate about. She said she gave me the best, but she doesn't even know what I want. I won't say she's a bad parent, because maybe I'm just a problematic child, but she definitely doesn't understand me, and may never will. I am very troubled by this, because I rely on her a lot mentally, she's the reason I work hard, but also the reason why I'm not emotionally stable, and that affects my work a lot. She always says that I only listen to music and that I should do other things, but in fact music is like a drug to me to drown away my emotions, metaphorically. Not that I don't have emotions when I listen to music, but it's a different kind of emotion, a less raw feeling brought out by the singer's singing voice, the hidden emotion behind his sound and the lyrics of the song, instead of thinking of what I actually want to cry about.
I don't even know how I got here, but anyways, if you read this all through, thanks for it. It's just random ranting, it doesn't deserve for you to waste your time on. Bye. : (
