The Girl Who Stopped Eating | Wattys 2016

Chapter 4- The Girl on the Roof (Part 1)

*This is the prologue part*

Engulfing darkness. The faint hum of a heart monitor. A sickening feeling of normality in the pitiful burden I call my life.

Forcing myself back to consciousness my senses come back to me more clearly. The monitor is slow,a sheet of horrid hospital blanket is draped over me, and the final feeling returns. Pain. A nauseating wave of pain bites at every part of my body. My head pounds to the beat of the monitor beside me. An agonising stab to the stomach forces me out of my subconscious into the real world.

With a sharp inhale, and a haste moment of adjusting my eyes go the harsh hospital lighting, I throw my head sideways to purge my already food deprived stomach.

I was thrown into a simplistic room as always; bed, drawers, machines, clock, and the infamous and most signature hospital 'house' plant.

Glancing at the clock, I find use in my 12 years of math classes. Who says you don't use math in real life?

3 days. 7 hours. 12 minutes. I shrug internally, I've done better.

"Miss Blake, back again I see." Familiar words, familiar environments, familiar people. "I want to talk to you about your... condition"

"My condition?" I ask innocently, even forcing a childish smirk.

"Your eating disorder." He replies calmly.

"Ah, that."

"Do you understand what you're doing to yourself?" He questions with the same tone as before.

"Of course, I'm participating in a slow and painful suicide"

"And you don't seem bothered by that." He speaks with concern. Adjusting his white coat nervously as he waits for a reply.

"That's the thing," I laugh lightly shaking my head at his poor confused face. "With death comes release, weightlessness and closure. All the things I've ever wanted."

He left shortly after that, probably to arrange for me to be sectioned, leaving me alone. I looked at the hospital band on my wrist:

AVIA BLAKE/PSYCHIATRIC/EATING DISORDER/ANOREXIA NERVOSA

So that's what they thought was wrong. Bullshit.

"Knock, knock" My brother walked in plastered with a goofy grin but I could tell by his eyes it was forced. His eyes were glassy and bloodshot, like he hadn't slept in days, and his body slumped as he walked. His flaxen hair was notably not in its usual clean side-brushed way and instead stood on end as if he had been rolling back and forth trying to get to sleep. I felt my heart tighten and immediately got hit with a wave of guilt. My brother, not ever so scruffy, stood before me and it was all my fault. 

"How you feeling?" He forced out, staring down at the hospital bed and taking a seat. 

"Fine," I replied, far too quickly "When can I come home?"

His face went blank then looked at me as if i'd asked him if the sky was green. "Avia," He ran a hand through his messy hair down to his neck. He took a moment, clearly to come up with the nicest way to say 'Never, you're fucking crazy'. 

"I know I haven't been around." I could here his voice straining and it was painful to watch. "But you should have told me about this"

"There's nothing to tell!" I exclaimed, leaping off the bed, pretending my head didn't ache so bad I could pass out. He took my wrist, and pulled me gently to the attached bathroom. He pulled me in front of a mirror that showed my waist up. "Look at yourself." He said from behind me. "Look at how your cheekbones stick out and your collar bones come through the hospital gown material. Look at your arms, they're like sticks with fur on them. Look at your hair, it's greasy and it's falling out everywhere. This is not normal and I hate," His voice fully cracked now, which was something I wasn't used to, he was a soldier with no emotions and had been for 2 years. "I hate that you've come to this when I could have stopped you"

I turned around and hugged him as silent tears fell down both of our faces. I don't remember the last time we shared affection, let alone hugged. It was an odd moment; a broken fragile girl clinging onto her strong soldier brother with such desperation you could have sworn it was our last moment together. 

He looked down at me with puffy eyes "Please realise you're ill. Please, this is not you." I felt like I had been slapped and the beautiful moment we had just shared was ruined. I pushed away from him feeling anger bubble inside me. "This isn't me? What am I then, Kade? The 144 pound fat-ass of a sister you used to know? The disgusting, fat pig that you ignored for months on end?" It was like i punched him square in the face, and as much as it hurt us both we knew what I had said was true. 

He barely spoke to me when he was home, let alone when he was off training. He didn't even know me anymore. Before I could say anything else i might later regret, I ran. I kept running, somehow managing to get out of the psychiatric ward, as a nurse was distracted, and halfway through the hospital. I had no clue where I was going, no clue where I wanted to end up, until I saw a door to my right that I knew would be deserted. ROOF the door said and that's where I went.

It took far longer to get up the stairs with my weak limbs than I had expected, but when I did reach the top, I was filled with peace and serenity. I sat close to the edge, despite my better judgement. I wasnt stable but I didn't care. 

"You aren't going to jump are you?" Busted. 

I turned, locking eyes on a girl, maybe a year or so younger than me, with dark shoulder length hair and a frame that a skeleton would admire. Her bones stuck out in awkward ways and she seemed to struggle to move too fast. Probably from the psych ward, I thought, Anorexia no doubt.

"May I sit with you?" I nodded, and turned back to look over to the city. "I'm Laria."

"Avia, Psych ward too?" I asked curiously, hoping in some sick way my suspicions were true.

"Yes, Anorexia. And I take it that's the same for you?" She replied sweetly.

"Apparently" I replied, flicking my wrist to indicate the hospital band. She nodded in understanding. "I don't really know what to do"

"The only thing you should do is recover" She told me matter-of-factly. "How are you supposed to meet you're future love. Have children, so on."

"Enlighten me, who is my future love" I rolled my eyes sarcastically. She giggled and smiled wider, shuffling closer to me. "I believe he goes by the name of Johan" I laughed lightly.

She was good at making stuff up to make people feel better I'd give her that. "Plus, I don't think you're family would ever forgive themselves if you died, especially Kade." Images flashed in my mind, as if put there.

"She's dead"  My Mom screamed at my Dad, ducking as she hurled a plate in his direction. My brother sat on a stool at the breakfast table, rubbing his eyes. 

"I'm going for a smoke" He muttered slumping off into the garden. 

He had never smoked a day in his life, he was dead set against it. They continued to argue before my dad shook his head, grabbed his coat and left. A different image appeared, more clear than before.

Kade stumbled in through the back door, clearly having drunk too much. He stopped at the kitchen sink and threw water over himself. Stumbling once again, he found himself looking over his own mother, who lay on the couch with a vodka bottle in one hand. He took it from her grasp and placed it besides a stack of papers, very clearly signed at the bottom my two names. 

I hereby agree to the parting of my partner and I, therefore agreeing to all statements in the previous divorce papers, Signed:

Mrs J.Blake

Mr L.Blake

My heart stopped. My parents would never get divorced. They love each other. I shook my head as if to rid the images and i found myself on the roof next to Laria once again. She didn't let on that she knew what had happened so I didn't ask.