Blame it on our Fates

f o u r t e e n

Song of The Day : Ain't It Fun by Paramore

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f o u r t e e n

"Oh my god, Hailey, I am such an idiot!" I exclaimed as I covered my mouth, the tears still streamed down my face.

I thought it would be rather better to tell someone my views on my new job. Why not start with Hailey?

"What? What's wrong? Are you okay?" Asked Hailey, as she started shaking me by my shoulders. I quickly wiped off my tears and looked at her, my eyes watering again. I truly was an idiot. Truly, utterly and completely.

"You know what? I am going to start from the beginning. Every damn detail," I said as I hastily wiped the tears off my face and looked at her with a new found determination. There was no way I was turning back now. No way in hell.

"What are you talking about?" Asked a confused Hailey.

"Look whatever I have been telling you isn't completely true. But you have to promise me you won't get pissed," I replied haughtily.

"Wh-"

"Just promise me this once," I cut her off.

"Okay, okay! I promise. Now get on with that story of yours already," she said as she pulled her legs up and sat Indian style or the crisscross apple sauce style, as some people might call it, on the couch.

And I did. Told her everything. Every damned detail that had my mind throb painfully in my cranium. Every detail that made me trap with guilt. Guilt that I couldn't even vent off some of my feelings to my best friend. But most importantly I was angry. I was angry with myself. How could I do this to myself? How could I try and be ambitious about something I was never ambitious about in the first place. It didn't make any sense. Now that I thought about it, for being a smartypants, I was pretty much an idiot. As every second passed by of me telling Hailey every detail, her face turned from confused to pitiful to sad and then lastly, to angry. Of course she was angry with me. Maybe not me, but my choices. That is what they were. My choices. So all in all, she was indirectly angry with me.

"Are you mental? How could you do that to yourself. I thought the only reason you wanted to work at 'The Basil Paradise,' was because you wanted to connect with your mother and you were passionate about cooking. Not because you were guilty about her death. That you wanted to make it up to her. And what is this that I heard? You blame yourself for your mother's death? You are so stupid, I can't believe you Cadence Ian Brown. Your mother's death has nothing to do with you. It could have happened to anyone. Anyone in London," She fumed out. By the time she was finished, she was seething and you could practically see steam coming out of her ears. She was crazy when she was angry. I thought she was done. But I thought too soon. She wasn't. Not so soon.

"What about your father? Huh? What would he think if he got to know about that stupid little theory in your head about you being responsible for your mother's death? He would be so disappointed in you! And what about Mark? He would have been even more angry than me and would have started throwing things around. You know what? I am going to call your brother and tell him about you and your stupid thoughts," said Hailey as she sprung from her seating position in order to get her phone. But before she could go and search for it, I grabbed her arm and stopped her right then and there.

"No! Don't! You have no idea what I am going through right now. Yes, I blamed myself for my mother's death, but could really blame me? I mean Taylor calls me in the middle of the night saying how I am responsible for her death. And the next day? I dream the exact same thing that happened that day. She asked me to get eggs and I didn't want to go. Why? Because I was fucking tired. I-" I stopped off suddenly realizing what I just said. I bloody swore. I never swore. Never ever. Not even when Nick cut off a large chunk of my brown mop in third grade did I swear at him. Or anyone. Sure I was upset many damned times. But I never swore.