Dear Sammy

Nine

Dear Sammy,

Everyone is still recovering from visiting you, especially Gen and George. I suppose it affected me as well. I've been trying to hold myself together for Jack and Seb.

Seb is leaving tomorrow. He's going back out there. I don't want him to go, I don't want to go to another funeral. I don't want him to die...I didn't want you to die...I know you're a hero, I know you saved a man's life. He was at your funeral, he didn't speak to me but he spoke to George and Seb. Seb seemed to know him well. I wish he'd spoken to me, I want to know what you did...all I know is that you took a lot of bullets for him – nobody knows what you did. You should know that everybody's proud of you, I don't think you could ever have imagined that George would have ever been as proud of you as he is of his baby brother right now. He's proud, but I can tell he wishes that you didn't do it in a way – he's happy for the man that is alive because of you but of course he wishes it had been someone else instead of you that has died.

He really is sorry...

Seb's sort of grown to accept him, and that he's trying to do something about how badly he's treated you and me. He also told me something...he told me that you told him that if George showed up while you were here you would welcome him with open arms and forget everything he's done to us. He told me that he was horrified, and although he laughed at how George was ignoring me, he wished that you would have held it against him but knew you never would have. He knew you wouldn't because you felt that George was responsible for you becoming the man you are today were.

Life will be hard now. For me, for Jack...for everyone.

Jack has been going with George to see you every day now, they play catch for a bit then George goes to get food for them both and lets Jack talk to you. Then Gen picks Jack up and leaves George to talk to you.

He's there talking for hours, I think he's telling you what he's been up to since he stopped talking to you. He walks home from your grave, often in the wind and rain, I've suggested he take Shep so he can be walked and I don't have to do it.

Seb said he has to finish his tour and then he might not do another. He said he's put enough of his friends in the ground. We all miss you, and Seb and I are exhausted from funerals, I know you were too.

I'll put George up in the spare bedroom tomorrow evening, I hope he stays a little longer.

The guys next door have been amazing, they've been helping out with food and other things, the little things keep slipping my mind. I think I'm still living in a haze of grief...

I miss you...

I love you, right to the stars,
Megs xx