antisocial pessimist

june 23 WARNING

since nobody reads this book anyway im gonna go on a little rant/story time/explanation of things

right now i dont think i have a best friend. now i know that may seem a little harsh but wait. everyone i love always has someone else they seem to care for more. and dont get me wrong, i have really really really CLOSE friends. but even they dont seem to need me as much as i need them. they may not even think im talking about them. THERES JUST SO MUCH DRAMA IN THIS WORLD. so much hate and jealousy and betrayal and feeeelings. feelings can be great. they can give us joy and love and happiness. but many (encluding me dont worry i dont think im perfect) dont take anyones feelings except for theirs in to consideration. ive probably have done this. if you reading feel i have done this to you im sorry. i really am.

i know i am EXTREMELY lucky and grateful to be/have what i have and shouldnt complain about silly things like this when actual problems are happening. but im also not going to be guilted into not sharing my feelings because i do matter. everyone does. even donald trump.

right now im dealing with two of my friends who might read this but probably won't. they have two different sides to the same story. both are understandable. but it would be so much easier if they would just SAY IT. now i am not the best at confronting people. i hate talking sometimes. this could be easily resolved (plus i dont even know if they are "fighting" because shockingly, no one comes to me). im fine with that cause drama stresses me out.

this is why i was so fucking excited to get into glitter. CAUSE THEY JUST ONE BIG FAMILY. they are sooooo supportive of me and what i do. i could distance my myself from everyone but them and be just fine but no. my caring ass cares about them.

we always said we would be the class that would stay together/close/in touch. but no. we cant get over our teenage hormonal judgey feelings. again im not saying im perfect and love everyone. but if you reach out, i'll grab on.

im not saying theyre bad friends. i just think im trying harder than they deserve as far as theyre giving me. they wont even tell me things anymore. some of the people i go to first dont care to share any information with me.

id like to think im my friends's biggest supporter. but i dont think theyre mine. and that kills me.