Suicide Note

Keep On Going

"Love, love, love..." I whisper forever. I stare at the ceiling and question why I'm repeating the word 'love' over and over again. I look around and see that my room still looks like a hurricane came by, several packs of ramen empty sprawled across the floor along with my dirty clothes and manga, lamp knocked over, and a bottle of beer attempting to be hidden in my mess of dirty clothes. I get up and walk towards the living room. I arrive and decided to look at the clock hanging above the television, 4:30 AM, "Guess I'm going to play more Attack and Attack GO," I say to myself as I head back towards my room. I'm back into my own comforts of my bed and isolated from the outside and turn on my laptop. Before I could even open Attack and Attack GO, I immediately get a call from Isaac. I answer and ask him why he's up so late, he responds with a simple just because answer (the kind of answers that annoy me) and he invites me to a private one on one session on Attack and Attack GO. I'm reluctant to play with him only because I wanted to be left alone, but I decide to accept the invitation and we play for several rounds. Then out of nowhere Isaac asks if I'll be going to school today, "I don't know Isaac, it's just I don't think I'll be able to handle it." saying that sparks an interest in Isaac.
"What do you mean you can't handle it Eric?"
"Don't question it Isaac."
"No, I asked you a question and you better fucking answer it because I'm god damn worried about you Eric."
"Don't worry about it Isaac, I'm alright."
"Jesus Christ Eric, how long do you think you can fucking go by just saying 'I'm alright,' because you're not alright Eric, obviously something is fucked and you just won't come to your fucking senses and address the situation."
"Isaac it's okay don't-"
"No Eric, don't you fucking dare say I shouldn't fucking worry about, because I will fucking worry about it, so don't tell me to back off, because I'm your god damn friend and I'm just watching out for you Eric."
"Okay."
I then proceed to hang up and put myself offline and continue to play Attack and Attack GO on competitive servers. "Why did I hang up?" I question the more I play, "It was a dick move but, he was causing me pain. Could it be that Isaac wants to cause me pain too? Just like the others? More pain lead to stress, and stress leads to depression and then that will lead to pain. An endless cycle that hurts me even more, why is it that people want to cause so much pain towards me? Aika wouldn't do that. Aika loves me and I love Aika. I love Aika, I love Aika, I love Aika. And she loves me too, at least that's what she told me. She would never hurt me, she would never use me, she would never abuse me, because she loves me just the same as I love her. Aika was right, all they want to do is hurt me. Friends just want to hurt me, hurt Aika, hurt everything." I slap myself to snap out of it. I exit out of Attack and Attack GO and go back to PalChat to go back online. I see several missed calls from Isaac and a text from Aika, I ignore the chain of missed calls and see the text from Aika. "Hey Eric," I respond back with hi and get an immediate response from her saying Isaac was attacking her. She sends copy and pasted text from the conversation between Isaac and her, Isaac saying awful things to her and Aika just saying what she needs to say to defend herself. She says after the copy and pasted messages, she tells me that Isaac needs to be stopped and I shouldn't be friends with him anymore for being such a bully. I go back to the chat with me and Isaac and I send him this long paragraph of what he did was wrong and he responded back, "Why the fuck do you not see, are you that blind or that arrogant? She's using you Eric, she doesn't love you, she just wants to use you." I then removed him as a contact and blocked him. I return to the chat with me and Aika and tell her the job has been done. I ask her if she loved, "Oh Eric don't be stupid of course I love you. Also, could you come to school to protect me from the bully Isaac please?" she texts, and I tell her that I would go and protect her. She says her goodbyes and I say I love her, but no response. I shut down my laptop and go into the shower to wash off any unnecessary filth on my body. The more I scrub my body and wash away the filth, I see it still does not wash way my scars and sins. The realization of this makes me cry, knowing I am worse than scum for marking my body with scars of what should not be spoken of. The tears roll down my face more and more, as if a dam has just broke. "Why are you crying young child?" a voice asks that I seem to oddly be familiar with, "I am in pain," I respond back. The voice giggles, "Well, it's all your fault. YOU BROUGHT THIS PAIN TO YOURSELF ERIC. YOU ARE WORSE THAN SCUM. YOU HAVE MADE EVERYONE SUFFER." I cry some more, "I know of this, why must you remind me of my sin?" The voice doesn't respond, and it seems that I'm all alone. The tears stop. I feel something in my hand, and when I look at it, I realize it was a knife. "Do it Eric," The voice had returned, "CUT TO REMIND YOURSELF PAIN EXISTS, AND PAIN WILL NEVER GO AWAY." I bring the knife towards my wrist, and cut. "YES ERIC YES, MORE, MORE, MORE. DO IT ERIC, ERASE YOURSELF FROM THIS WORLD." I bite down on my lip, "NO," I scream, "I CAN'T DO THIS TO MYSELF ANYMORE, WHY ARE YOU TELLING ME TO DO THIS?" The voice giggled again, "To make you keep on going." I grunt in frustration and bang my hand against the wall, "FUCK YOU," I yell, "FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!" The voice giggles again, "At least invite me to dinner first An-," I start banging my head against the wall, "NO, DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME BY THAT NAME, I AM NOT THAT PERSON. GET OUT OF MY HEAD YOU FUCK." Then just like that, everything goes silent. I look at my new cut and a tear rolls down my face, "I better get ready now," I whisper to myself. I get out of the shower and dry myself off with a towel. Today is another day, today is another day.