Fragile // Sequel to Torn

48.|

// Jakob's point of view //

Fuck fuck fuck. That's the only thing going through my head right now. Why did I let him read that? I've fucked up again. I'm starting to freak out. I stand outside Ethan's door, knowing I can't be too loud since it's past 2am now. But despite this, I keep knocking, whispering as loud as I dare. He doesn't open the door.

"What the fuck is going on?" I hear an annoyed and sleepy voice from behind me. It's Chris.

"U-uh, it's okay. Just go back to bed." I accidentally stutter before turning back and pleading Ethan to open the door one more time, this time a little louder.

"He's clearly not opening that door, Jakob," he mutters a little more forcefully. "Just shut the fuck up. Let me handle this."

Reluctantly, I step back from the door. I'm already fighting with one of my band members, I do not need to fight with the other one too.

"Go to bed." Chris tells me, gesturing for me to go away as he walks towards Ethan's door.

I don't want to make him even more pissed at me, so I do what I'm told. I'm scared and I don't know what else to do. I close my bedroom door quietly and rest my back against it. Then I hear talking. Chris is trying exactly what I was, but his tone is more gentle. I should have done that. To my surprise, I hear Ethan's bedroom door open and shut again. Chris is inside. Without thinking, I open my door quietly and tiptoe across the hallway until I'm standing outside Ethan's door. It's wrong to eavesdrop but I need to know what they're saying.

"I don't even know, okay? I almost feel like he doesn't have the authority to write that song." I can hear Ethan saying. I close my eyes and prepare myself for the blows I'm about receive.

"Are you angry with him or what?" Chris asks.

"Can I be honest with you?" Ethan's tone changes as his voice drops. So does my heart.

"Always."

"He never had to break up with me, did he? He's the one who put me through that pain. With the things he said and his absence, I'm the one who should be complaining, right? Not him. He needs to stop blaming me for the pain he put himself through. The reason he was alone and still loving me all of those years isn't my fault. I just wish he'd stop making me think that." Ethan announces.

I think it hurts so much because I know it's true. It sort of all hits me at once and I don't know what to do about it. I'm not doing it consciously but I now know I'm doing it. That doesn't make any sense. All this time, I've been blaming Ethan for what happened to me when it was my fault the entire time. I should never have left him. If I didn't, maybe he wouldn't have gotten with Kade. Maybe Kade wouldn't have died.

"I just... There's just so much stuff going on at the moment and I don't know what to do about it all." Ethan continues. My heart races but I keep listening.

"List it all for me?" Chris offers.

"There's my parents, the band, coming out, the hate, Jakob's mental illnesses and just everything I guess. And fuck, I just miss Kade so much at the moment. It's not even in a romantic way anymore... I just miss him as a person."

"I think we all do, Eth. The world needs more Kade Evans'." Chris replies quietly. I don't know what to think.

"I want to call his brother some days. Then I think about how Jakob would react when he found out. It bothers me that he can't see I don't like Kade that way anymore, but I'm still allowed to miss him and his family, aren't I? They were the ones there for me when he turned my life upside down." Ethan continues.