Fragile // Sequel to Torn

78. |

Ethan's point of view:

Jakob and I drive back to the band house in silence. I'm driving, but once we arrive in the driveway I don't get out. Jake asks me if I'm okay, but I just give him a small nod. Once he's inside and I'm out of his view, I start to sob. I bash my fists against the dash board and hit my head against the steering wheel, sobbing against it. All of this is over. I shouldn't have been such a dick to him at the start; we could have had an extra few months. I guess you just don't know what you had until it's gone. Chris told me not to, but I push that thought to the back of my mind. Don't open this until I've landed. But I can't. I slide the white envelope out from the centre console where I had thrown it carelessly in an attempt to make Jakob believe I'm okay with this. I thought that maybe if I was strong, he would be too. But I'm not strong.

"Stop crying," I whisper to myself, "Just stop crying."

My trembling hands grip the envelope and peel it open. It isn't hard to open like most envelopes; it's like it wants to be read. And I want to read it.

Dear soon-to-be Ethan Karpathy-Delgado,

Today I leave, and I asked you to wait until I landed to read this... but I know you won't.

A small smile laugh plays at my lips. The smile was for my new last name, but the laugh was because of how well he knows me. That causes then sinking feeling in my stomach to grow again, and the ray of happiness disappears completely.

We came to be friends through music, just like so much of the rest of our lives came together the same way. I always felt like you and I... we understood and appreciated music in a way others didn't. Even Jakob.

Speaking of Jakob, I don't think I've ever really told you how much I love and support you both. Of course it was hard to be third-wheeling all the time, but just know that was never the reason I left. I'd go to the ends of the earth to support you guys, no matter what. Because it doesn't matter to me whether you're gay, straight or otherwise, you're my best friend. I wanted to tell you before I left, but I just couldn't bring myself to. Jakob and I shared a kiss one night, right after we had a slightly tipsy conversation about me and my sexuality... and about how I never thought I'd find someone. If you're mad, please remember we once kissed and Jakob never found out. I just had to tell you.

If I'm being honest with you, Kade's grave will be something I'll visit when I'm living in Melbourne. I wouldn't feel okay with being near him but not going to see him. I might see his family too, see how Henry has grown up without his big brother. I'll go to that beach and I'll swim where he swam... or rather where he didn't. Other people will swim in the spot he did, completely unaware of the tragedy that occurred in that water all those years ago. But I'll know, and it's a weight I'll hold with me forever. You were there, Ethan, and maybe I'll grab a sense of how you felt, watching the one you love meet his fate. Actually, I don't believe in fate. Not since Kade. Because that was definitely not the fate he deserved.

You've always inspired me, Ethan. From your music to the way you carry yourself and your values. You're living proof that people change for the better, and can always overcome obstacles no matter how big or life-changing they are. That's why I know you're going to do fine without me. I guess, in some weird way, that saddens me. I like to be needed, and once you don't need me anymore, learn to work without me, it's going to feel like I was never needed in the first place. I'm asking you, please, to never let me forget how needed and wanted I was. Please, it's so hard for me to ask someone to do this... I feel selfish and guilty, but I know I'm going to need it.

I stop when I reach the end of the page. Tears are streaming down my face. There's still half a page to go, but my vision is too blurred. I rest my head back down on the steering wheel and close my eyes for a few seconds. Then I start to read again.

It's needless to say that living with you and Jakob was the best years of my life. We shared so many experiences and opportunities together. We helped each other through the good and the bad, kinda like an old married couple but with three people. Sure, we've had our fair share of drama, but I wouldn't trade our journey for the world. Although our journey has now taken a fork in the road, that doesn't mean it has come to an end.

Jakob got my guitar, you got a note. Seems a little uneven, yeah? Don't worry, I havent forgotten about you. Follow my instructions and you'll find it.

1. Go upstairs and into my room

I quickly take the keys out of the ignition and get out the car. I almost sprint inside and up the stairs. I've seemed to have stopped crying, curiosity taking over. I'm glad to hear the shower running, so I can look at this in private.

2. Find the artwork on the wall opposite to where my bed was - the charcoal one

The only one he didn't take with him.

3. Lift it off the wall

I walk up to the painting and stop in my tracks. The signature. Kade's signature. I forgot Kade drew this. I close my eyes and gulp, my shaking hands lifting the picture of the wall without looking. It's like I'm holding a piece of Kade, and I can't do it. My knees drop to the floor and I decide to put the frame down in front of me.

4. Lift off the back of the frame

5. Lift off the second piece of paper

6. Tadaa

Lyrics. Lyrics and sheet music. "Ethan's Song," it reads. He wrote a song for me.