Leave Me Broken [Winter Soldier] II

Epilogue

"They took your smell, they took your shadow

and I'm searching through faces for someone familiar

I clawed and I clawed but I couldn't find you there

you wouldn't wake I couldn't sleep for years"

"The Waves Have Come" -Chelsea Wolfe

         Bucky had suffered more than anyone Steve knew. Recently Steve had suffered the loss of Peggy Carter, but it was different than Bucky's situation. Ophelia had been the love of his life, his anchor that kept him sane during the worst times of his life. Steve tried to take the bulk of the blame, knowing that he should have paid more attention, he should have been able to stop Tony from firing at her. Propped up on a hospital bed, Bucky had finally accepted the medical attention that he needed, and it was only after Ophelia had died that he decided he wanted to go back under.

       "You're sure about this?" Steve asked him.

        Bucky offered a sad excuse for a smile, raising his eyebrows as he looked at his friend. Behind Steve, the doctors were preparing the cryogenic chamber. "Until they find a way to get this stuff out of my head, it's the safest thing, for everyone."

        Steve dipped his head down. "You're lying."

        Bucky sighed. "It's my fault she's dead, Steve."

        "No, it's not." Steve shook his head, he had encountered a similar conversation with Wanda not long ago.

        "She fell in love with me; I let her do that. And I used that, I knew she'd come with me after Washington, I should never have made her come."

         "Bucky," Steve sighed, "Ophelia loved you more than anything in this world. Anyone could see that. She needed you just as much as you needed her."

         "She left me, Steve." Bucky's voice wavered only slightly. "I never used to understand why she stayed in the first place. Now I do."

         "Why's that?"

          "I knew she loved me before she even knew. It took me a long time to realize I loved her too, the thoughts in my head, the blurs of memories that kept me up at night, they blocked my ability to see it. I didn't ever show it enough, and now she's gone. There's a void inside of me."

         Steve sighed, noticing that Bucky was holding something back. "Do you even understand how much she loved you?"

         "Yes." Bucky wondered where Steve was going with this.

          "Then what's the problem?" 

          "If she didn't love me, she'd still be alive."

          Bucky didn't realize how wrong he was, so Steve put it into perspective for him. "No, she'd still be in a cell."

          Bucky looked at him, wide eyed and realize that he was right. A smile didn't cross his lips, but he knew that one day it would again. Time wouldn't heal the wounds he had suffered, time wouldn't bring back Ophelia. "I just wish she knew how much..."

         "Trust me, she knew." Steve had seen Ophelia little over the years, he did not know her like Bucky knew her. But he had seen her as she fought her way out of her brainwashing, and he had seen how much she loved Bucky just in the way she spoke about him. "Is that why you're going under?"

         He shook his head. "I'm a danger to everyone with all this... stuff still in my head. Maybe once they've figured out a way to get it out, it'll be easier. I always knew she would have been fine without me, but I never though about a life without her. I loved her."

          Steve couldn't tell Bucky that it would get easier, or that time in cryogenics would make his life better. He wasn't going to try and convince Bucky out of his decision, because that was not his place. Though he had only just gotten his friend back and it pained him to go along with his decision, he understood why Bucky chose to do it. Things would never be easy for Bucky, because things never were. What Steve didn't tell Bucky before he went under, was that time doesn't always heal these kinds of wounds. 

        When the chamber froze over and Bucky's face looked serene, Steve began to wonder how things could get better when Bucky was left alone and broken.