you make me happy

Her switch

TW/SELF HARM, DEPRESSION

She's destroying herself but can't bring herself to care. 

It doesn't matter where she is; she always feels out place. It would be too easy to say that she feels invisible. She feels painfully visible and entirely ignored. 

I miss the old her.  

The happy her. The her that doesn't fake a smile. The her that doesn't force a laugh. The worst part is that I know when she's about to break. She starts to shake and pace back and forth. Her eyes start tearing up a little and her lungs feel like they are filled with lead, but the worse part is that she just sits there and takes it. I don't want her to hate herself anymore. I don't want her to be sad anymore. The urges are always there. It's like a switch with her; She's out having a good time, enjoying herself but then get's home and it reboots like a computer after an update. 

They all say there is only 5 stages of self hatred. But I feel like she's been through 12. 

She always relies on people for her happiness; I don't like it when she does that. Who am I to say something though because she's my happiness as well. 

  People are not medicine, they cannot make you feel whole. You can't rely on the short highs. You know that people will come and go and leave you feeling empty once again, if not worse. Their love will not fix you, it's far from permanent. Everything in this entire world is temporary, so little reason should come from stabbing at your flaws as if it'll make them go away. They are marks of your existence and cannot be replicated. They cannot be covered up by others telling you "you are beautiful" when of course you are beautiful, every inch and every breath. But you misplace the voice to temporary forevers when the only person you should listen to is yourself.  

Let me tell you one thing

Life is a bitch, it's hard and it hurts and sometimes really, really badly.

At times like this I like to think of life like flying.

You might fall and it will hurt,
You might fall really hard and can't get up for a long time,
But you know what that means? It means your wings are so big and powerful, they brought you up so high that the fall hurt so much,
And even if you might get cuts or bruises, your wings are still there, and no matter how long it takes you will fly again. And when that time comes life will get better.