you make me happy

they reminded you of galaxies

Tw/ abuse

i should have listened 

  Tell me what happened to us.

How did we go from
one day swearing
we'll be together forever
to becoming strangers
a few months later,
trying our hardest to forget
about each other?               

 Over the years

you've watched me
tear myself apart.
You've often lent your own
destructive hands to
speed up the process
instead of using them

to keep mine steady                                           

  all you were was raised voices and

slammed doors and landing
blows that left scars on my insides,
but I remember the whispers of
sweet nothings and the nights we spent
together and perhaps that's why
I can't let you go  

He doesn't know what it's like to be loved,
for someone to care for him,
so when he is shown that,
he doesn't know to react.
He pushes
and pushes
people away
because he's scared
of feeling a little vulnerable.

But darling,
when he pushes you
and he treats you like you're nothing
after you've thrown yourself at his feet
and showered him in love and adoration,
please walk away.
It is not your place to save him -
you can only save yourself.

Don't shatter yourself for people who force you to hold the hammer. 

They blame you for everything but they don't know the whole story. 

Its a doubled sided story but it's only being read as one sided instead. 

 I can't be left alone because I'm scared of what will happen 

 please don't leave me alone tonight. 

there are spiders in the corners of my mind,

spinning webs that spell out his name 

and i'm afraid
if your arms aren't wrapped
around me i will soon
be wrapped in silk instead.  

addiction is your only ex-girlfriend I was ever worried about,
but I had reason to be, because now
she's knocking on your door begging to come in.
and I can see that you're thinking about it– about letting her in–
in hopes that she's different this time.

you know her, though.

she's going to ask how your mother is while tugging
at the collar of your shirt.
she'll touch the small of your back
when you're least expecting it, and her excuse will be that
she wanted to know if you were still sensitive there.
and then she'll try to stay the night,
and you'll try to tell her no,
but she won't listen. she never does.

and you know her. too well.

her name is the only name that can still make you flinch;
she lights up your eyes with fear and with awe
at the exact same time,
and she gets you loaded like the barrel of a gun,
but you convince yourself that you like being dangerous.

when you're with her, you're dangerous.
and I want to hold your hand, but I'm just too scared
that I'll be the one who accidentally pulls the trigger.

  I cried again last night and I decided taking a shower would soothe the pain running through my veins but instead I ended up on the ground and that's kind of where I just needed to be I guess. All I heard in my mind was my father's voice and damn, it really hurt. Nothing I did made that voice fade and it just lingered in the back of a dark room and I just wanted to leave but all of the doors were locked. I think the key was above his room but do not disturb was written in red and he never took that sign down. And how can someone who loves you expect so much and think so little of you because I've been searching for answers but everything is lost and it's still dark and I keep stumbling. I guess I'll go take a shower again. 

In your absence I have grown.
No longer am I a china doll
waiting to be dropped so you can put me
back together again.
I am flint: hard and sharp,
a knife shaped by steady hands.
I have grown in your absence,
grown in the presence of others,
grown in the presence of myself.
I am still growing, and will rival the
greatest of forests before I am done.

Until it became reality, I never imagined
life without you.
I'm glad it has
because I never imagined so much peace.
Change hardly before felt so happy on my
lips.
I have made it to shore; I have escaped the
stormy seas.
Know that this calm is not the eye of the
hurricane.
I have left for good. You cannot destroy me
any more than I let you.

Remember: you can promise that you
always will, but
forever is only as long as you make it.
Keep your friends close and leave your
enemies behind.
Like a cactus, let yourself bloom, but do
not be so easy to trust.
Be the matador of your own bull
and let the bull win, sometimes.

This has been a year of epiphanies,
for the both of us, I hope.
I am more bitter than the black coffee my
grandfather drinks,
but I'm learning to turn hurt into a chance
to sprout.
I wish I had the words to thank you.

The closest I get is a goodbye.

I remember everything

the first "i love you" 

the first shirt that was shared

the first kiss

the first time

the first makeout. 

everything

and i'll never be able to forget it.