you make me happy

"Are you okay?"

TW/ suicide, anxiety

Remember when people cared.

I stopped looking both ways before crossing the street

I stopped wearing my seat belt in the car

and counting the pills before I took them

I wasn't trying to kill myself 

but I did stop caring

whether I lived or not. 

                   The thing that sucks is that whenever I get happy it always gets ruined

I'm afraid to be happy. Because whenever I get too happy, something bad always happens.

I also hate that I'm that person who falls apart all the time but tries to keep everyone else together instead of fixing myself. I think it's my anxiety sometimes. Anxiety is the most silently painful experience. It makes no sense and you sit there alone and suffer for an unknown reason. You can't explain it. You can't stop it and that's the terrible part. 

                                                                                "Are you okay"

                                                                                       that's it.

                                                                               that's all it takes 

                                                                           for me to break down 

                                                        for the knots in my stomach to tighten

                                                                                     for me to cry

Th real question is though

How many times have you typed "I'm fine" 

with red blood shot eyes 

all the tears 

all the years

and all the tiny little fears 

                                         The worst type of crying is the silent one

                                          The one where you feel it in your throat

                                           And your eyes become blurry with tears 

                                            focused, blurry,focused, blurry, faded

 The ones where you have to hold your breath and grad your stomach to be quiet

I know how much it sucks. I want you to imagine a ten-year old version of yourself siting opposite from you right this minute. Got it? Ok now, I want you to tell this little girl or boy that they mean absolutely nothing, Tell them they're an embarrassment, that they're worthless, that they're useless. Are you doing it....? Can you say it? No. You can't do it right? Now, realize that this is essentially what you do to yourself everyday. What do you want to REALLY say to this kid? That they're worth it, right? That they're incredible and they should never let anyone tell you otherwise. Now, say this new stuff to yourself. Replace the bad with the better. Replace the evil with the good.Repeat it.Believe it. and understand it. 

I tell myself that every morning yet here I am at my breaking point. 

What else is new? 

I don't think people understand how stressful it is to explain what's going on in your head when you don't even understand it yourself. 

"Im fine" 

meanwhile I'm fighting back the tears

   and trying to control my thoughts

as I turn and walk away

I can't hold it back 

for much longer

I walk faster

the tears roll down my cheeks 

my thoughts run wild

and my legs pick up the pace 

trying to out run the 

gut wrenching life

we call reality

the reality that 

I live in