traces of stardust

bittersweet farewell

playlist
counting stars // onerepublic
dkla (feat. tkay maidza) // troye sivan
drive // oh wonder
the end of all things // panic! at the disco
graduate // handsome ghost

It takes a lot you know, to admit something that's been kept locked away inside you for what feels like an eternity.

Never would I have imagined that I'd be opening up one of those very wounds of my soul to you, all while the supposed 'best day of our lives' was still sinking itself in to become one of my treasured keepsakes.

We were sitting on the gym bleachers, awaiting our release to be handed a simple piece of paper (or rather the proper container for it to be showcased in) that we've spent the entirety of our years striving towards.

This was it; we were actually graduating.

Rather than soaking in the joyful atmosphere my fellow peers were radiating off in bursts, I was trapped in my subconscious wondering if the choices I set for my future were not only good enough, but what I truly wanted.

My senior year of high school was by no means easy. I don't care what you've heard; it was not a walk in park. Then again, nothing for me has ever been simple.

You had a small sliver of knowledge towards the depths that I struggled with, only because I was too chicken to voice them fully to anyone other than myself.

I wish I should've bit back on the gnawing anxiety overtaking my system and just poured out my life story to you, because despite what we'd like to hope for we'll never see each other again, at least not in the same type of setting where we found one another as company every week day without fail. It would've been easier, knowing you'd probably soak the information in and once the high of graduation started all it would've been was a faded memory.

Instead of that though we went straight to the basics, wonderings of what our next steps were and such. For you it was college locally, in hopes of increasing your know abouts to where you could someday become a psychologist. A career in caring for people's well being was your match made in heaven, because you've helped me in ways you'd never truly understand.

For me it was a small fib I've spoken for months with the secret want to just break down, only never allowing myself the opportunity to display it out of pure fear of the possible reaction.

"I'll probably end up doing the same thing, just not sure of my major."

I knew in my gut this wasn't what I had pictured as my doings in a few months time, but I couldn't bring myself to admit the truth. No one in the gymnasium would get why that was my plan, because it wasn't the 'norm'.

Our small talk passed by in a flash, as did the entire graduation ceremony honestly. I can look back on that night with a smile, knowing all the hardships I've endured somehow were a weight on my shoulders I wasn't forced to carry anymore. That for what seemed like the first time in my eighteen years, I was allowed to breathe.

I really should've relished in that serenity.

Like I had predicted, we didn't speak after experiencing the thrills of the milestone we reached.

With the lack of communication came my downward spiral.

My surroundings slowly became toxic; these tellings by the people I loved screaming that what I doing was wrong. The worst part? None of them really knew what my goal was, what I was striving for. After so long of the same torments, I was growing to believe that I was only wasting my life away.