traces of stardust

letting you go

playlist
blue (feat. alex hope) // troye sivan
collarbones // thomston
runaway // ed sheeran
walk away // lany
1000x (feat. broods) // jarryd james

I really should've known better. So much of my energy was wasted on the boy with wild curls atop his lovely head and eyes frost tipped oceans couldn't compare to.

I was blindly in love with someone who for a while, had the same flutter of butterflies invade his stomach when we'd go out for coffee to escape the chaos our lives contained. When our second anniversary came creeping in, he was growing fond of someone else.

My friends are worried about me. I know they mean well but I can't take the suffocation of their care right now. Growing up, I struggled enough with the idea of love and thinking if I even deserved such a thing; he had been the person that made me forget all the wounds of my past as I was accepting my identity. Now that I don't have that security around anymore, I'm not sure of anything really.

Maybe it's better that you walked away from me. Even though I always told you I could see the greatest of forevers, you never said the same. The clean cut, hopeless romantic boy who you spent half an hour convincing to smoke an e-cigarette isn't quite who I am anymore. Would you knowing that change anything? Seeing as I'm more of a catastrophe than you'd ever seen, probably not.

I've lost my mind dwelling on the shifts I could've undergone to try and help you stay at least a thousand times. If I had said yes to our first time sooner, if I hadn't been traveling all the places you weren't living out your biggest dream in for my own career, would that of made you stick alongside me for enough time to fix what was apparently so broken between us?

If I'm honest, you deserve better than me. I always had that in the back of my mind; no matter how many conversations we had where you told me the doubt was lying. As it turns out, you were the one leaving lost words with no meaning behind in the apartment I had to say goodbye to because the memories we made had too painful of a sting to keep.

As everyone who knows my name can probably pick up on, I'm a runaway from my troubles. The second the consuming hell hits, I'm off to where none of my traces can be tracked in the matter of hours. When I called my brother and his fiancé at the time as I was pulling away from my driveway and telling them what happened between us with my brave voice put on to contain the tears desperate to escape, the drop of the usual excitement when we spoke in his tone was heartbreaking enough on its own. You took so much away from me, yet if I hadn't of gained the courage to ask you to be mine way back when I surely wouldn't be the same as I am today.

So despite how torn apart I am all these months later, I wanted to thank you. Even though we just weren't meant to be, I hope you're happy with whoever the lucky guy is and if we ever get back on good terms (which I hope we can reach someday) I'd love to meet him and see what true joy for you looks like, because you deserve it all.

This is my way of letting you go, so I can heal from this shattered heart I never imagined I'd earn. Here's to a new beginning, which as of now is going to be filled with mint chocolate chip ice cream and those movies I love that you never wanted to watch because they were 'too corny'. Maybe it's a good thing there's some aspects of me you didn't touch; if I feel a light sigh of relief by this, maybe I have a chance of gaining a sense of normal without you around.

That's all I suppose; now to watch The Notebook and make myself sad all over again, but this time it won't be because of you.