traces of stardust

unravellings of a wallflower [part IV]

song that makes me sad
holy // pvris

Of all the getaway places, Phil wanting to spend the afternoon (towards the very end of November nonetheless) at the beach caught me by surprise.

"It's a little cold to dip our toes in the sea water, don't you think?" I tried to joke when I first picked him up (him getting in the passenger seat right as the clock in my car changed to 4:01pm, following the time he gave me by the last second) but thanks to the silence from Phil, I got the message that he clearly wasn't in the mood for comical conversation. "Why the parking lot of the public library of all places to meet?"

"Because this was the best place I could think of where my mother would let me get back behind the wheel."

"How did it go?"

"Not the best; she's willing to let me try again in a couple of days and see if I improve though." Phil offered softly with a sigh. "And don't worry, she's covering for me; as of now my dad thinks she and I are going to eat across town to talk about..what's happened."

"How long do you think we have?"

"Three hours if we're lucky; she's going to meet us back here around seven."

"Why?"

"It takes a while to get to my grandparents and we wanted to try to get there before it gets too late."

"You're staying at your grandparents?"

"Mhm; can we go to the beach now?" Phil responded uneasily, like I hit a nerve he wasn't ready to address yet.

"Y-Yeah, sorry."

The half hour drive I can only describe as numbing; the longer the silence had to drill itself as a constant in our journey, the quicker my bite of insistence towards getting to the bottom of what was troubling Phil faded in intensity. To me, it was as if he had a hold on my emotions to their very core and was diminishing their power like a flame rapidly losing its spark. Despite wanting to know why he had been eager for an escape when the day before he hadn't dared to even consider it an option, I couldn't bring myself to talk him out of these doings because the words gave up their fight on getting through the barriers I constructed the second his presence was actually in mine.

Once our feet (or more our shoes really) came in contact with the sand, Phil started to behave more like himself again. I wasn't going to risk causing the downfall of his progress, so I happily took in the lift to his demeanor by the joyful tone held in talking about whatever he pleased while it stood strong.

Somewhere along the way we got to talking about midterm preparation and I suppose that was when the burst of rejuvenation had reached the end of what it could muster to push through Phil's system.

"Dan?"

"Yeah?"

"How do you choose between two people who only want the best for you?"

"It depends on the circumstances; are both people in question treating you fairly?"

"It's not easy to say for sure." Phil replied. "I mean they both believe they have my best interest at heart but in one case it's not exactly what I need; does that make sense?"