traces of stardust

everywhere i turned

song that makes me happy
you're in my head // rusty clanton

You'd think having time away from him and all the harsh to the touch memories he was a part of which I refused to release while in 'our' suffocating neighborhood would do me some good.

I'm afraid you'd be mistaken.

Everywhere I turned there stood a reminder of him and the shenanigans we once got up to.

Take the process of packing for this very trip for example. All I had been doing was tossing my possible clothing options recklessly on to my bed, seeing as I wasn't quite sure of the exact attire I'd want to fold in my suitcase currently sitting in the corner of my room just yet. This haze I slowly fell under while basically making the task at hand much harder than I needed to broke like glass as soon as I made contact with that damn hoodie I purposefully hid amongst the mess that was my closet space.

Despite what was written across the fabric in gold, I couldn't have been more defeated by this inanimate object if I tried.

"Why is it that every time we finally see each other after months of being apart the first thing you do is go looking through my clothes?"

We had just arrived back from the airport and sure enough, as soon as his converse were off by the front door he went bolting into my bedroom in search of the perfect piece within my wardrobe to engulf him in warmth.

Now happily snuggled up in one of my most recently purchased clothing items, he found the time right to answer the question I asked with a chuckle as soon as he began to run as if his sanity was on the line.

"Because when you're not around it's like a piece of me is missing; the only way I can properly repair that void is by wearing your clothes as soon as I get back inside your humble abode."

I remember thinking how handsome he looked in the maroon color than I could ever imagine pulling off; that's the thing though, he always found some way to creep inside my head as being better than me in every essence. How hard I worked my ass off never mattered because he (in my eyes) was doing twice as much and managed to not even break a sweat. My (now ex) boyfriend was practically becoming my worst enemy, yet I was too blinded by love to see it until he shattered the very core of a relationship I once upon a time thought was going to be forever heavenly for us both.

For a while (almost a full twenty four hours to be precise), I actually managed to avoid another stinging of how great his impact was. With my family surrounding me, it was almost like they were filling that hollow piece of my heart that was aching for someone's care to help mend it.

If it hadn't been for Brandon's insistence on a late night stop to the closest store for ice cream of all things, maybe my lift in spirits would've lasted longer but that's just it; all it is is a maybe.

Happiness was easy to come by for him. In tonight's case, all it took for that beaming smile to form was the pint of Ben and Jerry's placed in front of his eyes in surprise as soon as he put a finish to the songwriting session that had been ongoing for the past three hours.

"Aww, what's this for?"

"Just because I thought you deserved something sweet for working so hard."

"Connie you're the best."

"Well I try." I replied with a rub to the back of my neck.

"You wanna split it with me?" Troye questioned, already getting up from his seat at the dining table to get another spoon.

"Sure, if you're okay with it."

"I wouldn't of offered you some if I wasn't." he assured me with a grin as the silverware was put in my hand.

We had dug into that poor pint of Strawberry Cheesecake like we were little kids granted permission to finally eat dessert. Looking at the very same kind of sweet treat in this gas station's freezer however only made the tiredness weighing in on me from the day's activities increase ten fold.

"Connor?" my mom spoke softly, breaking me momentarily out of the bittersweet trance.

"Hmm?"

"Ready to head back?"

"Yeah, let's go." I responded meekly as I forced my feet to move as far away from the freezer section as possible by going towards the door where the outside world would be there to greet me.

The summer heat wasn't as inviting as I originally hoped it would be, but at least no keepsakes inside my mind of him were tied specifically to this type of weather. For a moment, all I had to focus on was myself and everything I was feeling in the present; somehow the past didn't have its trickster methods of nostalgia wrapped around every trace of my brainwaves.

I was actually here in the present moment and that wasn't something I would take lightly, not this time.

Troye and I's relationship was right within the time frame where a lot of growth happened for me in terms of accepting who I was wholeheartedly. He was there through every high and low I experienced in that journey and I could never find the words to properly tell him thank you. While I will probably hold that close to my heart for as long as I walk this Earth, I can't let it prevent me from moving on to build the future I've always wanted.

So yeah, he's in my head again reminding me of how much I've changed as a person and it's not the best of trips down memory lane right now when all I really want to do is just exist on my own.

While I'm not there yet, I know I'll heal from the heartbreak soon enough; I just have to give myself the luxuries of time and patience because whether I like it or not, all the moments he's a part of aren't going to fade away into scrapbook like mementos overnight.

I don't know how long he's going to be everywhere I turn because the wounds are very much new. All I can do is gradually adjust to where every flashback doesn't knock all the wind out of me.

Wish me luck, God knows I'll need it.