traces of stardust

unravellings of a wallflower [part I]

song that makes me sad
holy // pvris

He hid himself well to those not capable of digging deeper into his character, but there's a special quality that comes with being a wallflower that allows you to break that barrier sometimes never even considered by others. In being a preacher's son, everything was on the line for Philip Lester and no one even paid attention to his constant inner struggle. At least, that's what he believed.

I noticed; it's in how the silver chain he wears on his neck with a cross attached on the end shakes in his hand when he's bitten by nerves as he admires the beauty his best friend holds in simple things like his aura, containing what I imagine to be vivid daydreams he wishes to bring alive in film with the lingering scent of fresh paint like occasions when the two of them leave the art room with the warmest of smiles on Fridays thinking of the weekend ahead. Another take in such is how Philip's brows furrow in concentration as he goes through his checklist for that day mentally (out of habit) while still in the driver's seat of his car in the mornings, but once he approaches the doors containing the space where his brave face must be switched on, it's as if all stressors once plaguing him drift away by the beads of sweat he wipes from his forehead. You'd think I wouldn't be the only one to pick up on these things that speak volumes, but everyone else I suppose are too absorbed in the mental pep talks of their own (just like he is) to see just how much we're impacted by our very peers.

My observations would've stayed just catches of the eye if not for an unfolding of my own events bringing any chances of that working out crumbling down. With having this wallflower nature stitched inside me, acknowledging my own layers was a task that took a lot of effort to uncover (which I honestly never have enough of considering most of my energy's spent on learning the depths of others). I have to thank my friend Dodie really, because there's no telling if or when I would've stumbled upon that hidden piece within myself. Without her, a lot of what I've gone through wouldn't have taken place as it did at all. With how eye-opening everything I've endured recently has been, that's extremely scary to realize.

In Dodie and I's friendship there were subjects we never addressed directly; while we have quite a close bond, there's just some topics that hit too close to home for us both and we weren't sure how to delve into each individual one. Apparently this unspoken agreement had lost some of its strength during one of our late night study sessions, because she had been a little too eager for my liking when bringing him up in the once cozy, quiet atmosphere.

"When are you going to just tell him?"

I went on to ask what she had been speaking of so vaguely, because in all honesty I had been too caught up in trying to cram the information of the past two chapters our history class had gone over to truly listen to what she had said.

"Philip you goof, when are going to tell him how you feel?"

"I don't know what you're talking about.."

"Don't do that Dan." she spoke softly. "I see how you look at him, it's almost exact to how he sees PJ."

"He's just a mystery I'm trying to figure out, that's all." I responded quickly, not sure how to properly react to how calm her statement came across.

"You know I'm the last person that would judge you right, I mean I'm bisexual for goodness sake." Dodie said sincerely. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to be Philip Lester's beau."