A Second Chance At Life

Admitting Defeat

"I can't believe that happened," I said quietly, head in my hands. I sat again at the foot of my closet. I couldn't help but stress about Ella. Nothing had happened, but my feelings confused the living Hell out of me. What would Dad say if he were alive?

I'm not interested in a girl, I thought insistently at myself. I repeated it over and over, running my fingers nervously through my hair.

It's just a crush, I'm just a teenager, every teenager thinks they're gay at some point, right?

• • •

"Are you okay?" Ella asked, sounding concerned. It was just my luck she would call in the middle of a breakdown.

"Yeah, I'm just having a moment," I said, wiping my face dry with my sleeve.

"Oh," she said, probably dismissing my sniffling as PMS. "Well I'm really sorry about today."

I could practically hear how uncomfortable she was, and put my hand over my mouth to keep from crying out loud. I knew if I spoke my voice would crack, so I shut my eyes and bit my lip.

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," Ella continued slowly. "If you don't feel comfortable with me alone, I won't be offended. Am I overreacting? I feel like I'm overreacting." Her confusion, even in my condition, made me giggle.

"You probably are," I said, half smiling. "I don't think it's a big deal." My voice cracked on the last word, and I began picking nervously at my nails.

She paused, probably sensing my mood. "Are you sure you're okay?"

"Yeah."

"Do you need me to bring food? Maybe some chocolate?" she asked, teasing.

I glanced disdainfully at my closet. "Yeah. Special Dark."

• • •

"What is it with you and your closet?" Ella asked, nibbling on a piece of my Hershey bar. She'd never seen the inside of my room before. When she entered, I was curled up in a ball against my closet door (as if I were going to clean it out).

"I have no idea what you mean," I said, brushing the dust off my shorts and glaring at the fairy lights strung around the wide mirrored doors.

"Right," Ella drawled, one eyebrow raised at me.

I shrugged. "So it's a nightmare. Sue me," I said, flopping down on my bed and practically inhaling dark chocolate.

Ella sat cross-legged on the floor in front of the closet. "I could help you, if you want," she said, gently tracing the trim with her fingertips, as though it were a work of art.

"I can do it, I just never feel like it. It would be like getting rid of pieces of my life, you know?"

Ella's head whipped towards me, her eyes pinning me to the wall. "You'd rather keep all of it? Good or bad? Even if it hurts to look at?" Her nostrils flared. "If it's to the point where you don't even want to open your closet door, it's time to do something."

"Oh yeah?" I said bitterly, "And what's that?" I asked sarcastically, licking melted chocolate off my fingertips.

She crawled to the foot of my bed and rested her chin on the edge. Her eyes stared at my lips, curled around my finger. My heartbeat quickened. "Do it. Don't think."