Driving Me Batty

Chapter 4: Nothing Screams Abnormal Like...

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.


-George Burns

 The awkward moment when you find out that the guy who is giving you a lift home - a three-hour lift - is in fact a vampire hunter. And your parents are vampires.

I let out a hearty, slightly false laugh. “Vampires? Like go up in flames in the sun vampires? Suck your blood, live in crypts kind of vampires?”

“I can tell you don’t believe but it’s true. Well, except for the crypts part and I don’t know about the sun part because I haven’t seen one in the sun.” I wondered how much he actually knew. His slayer kit was pretty impressive.

“I can’t believe you actually believe in all of this stuff.” My brain was still trying furiously to come up with a plan that would get him away from my parents as soon as he met them without him discovering the truth. I was also freaking out about being in the car with a murderer. I mean, they might be the living dead but they have families and lives, too. Killing the living dead should be illegal after all they are a minority that deserve equal rights. I knew he was a creep but this was on a whole new level. I should have listened to my mother. Never get into the car with a stranger.

“Well, we’re almost at your place. Is it this street or the next?” I was out of time. I was just going to have to get rid of him as quickly as possible.

“The next.” Short of knocking him unconscious and dumping his body in a remote area, I had no plans to prevent him from coming to my house. Ah shit.

I pointed out my house and he pulled into the driveway. My heart was racing and my palms were sweaty. Maybe, I hoped, my parents were fast asleep, or out, or were swallowed by the floor. No such luck.

I watched my dad wave to me from a second floor window before disappearing.

“Thank you so much for the lift. I have loads of unpacking to do and I’m so tired.” I was hoping he would take the hint. My mother would be so disappointed in my manners, slayer or not. He looked at me as if I had a third arm growing out of my ear. “Uh, do you mind if I used the bathroom quickly?” Yes, I mind very much. Now go away.

“Of course not.” If he was coming in anyway, I might as well put the last nail in my coffin. “Would you like something to drink as well?”

At that moment, my mother and father emerged from the house, both wearing huge sunglasses and gleaming from sun block. In fact I could still see some on my father’s neck. Oh yeah nothing unusual about putting on sun block and sunglasses just to come out and greet your daughter. Not to mention the clothing that covered everything from their wrists to their ankles. Peter walked to the boot of his car and I started to freak out while I tried to casually hug my parents. I was about to become an orphan. Hell was about to break loose. What would the neighbors think? He reached inside and wiggled one of my bags out before getting the rest out and closing the boot and the doors to the backseat. He walked over to greet my parents and the moment of relief I had felt when he locked the car without taking any weapons out dissipated swiftly. The panic started all over again.

“Hey, I’m Peter.” My father put his hand out to shake and Peter went in for the fist bump. Who attempts to fist bump a parent? What was his problem? Besides the arrogance and vampire-hunting thing. He winked at my mother and right then I knew it wasn’t their lives at risk anymore but his. My mother looked mortified. Luckily my father hadn’t noticed

“So you’re Lira’s mother?” he sounded disbelieving and I could understand why. After all, I was adopted and so looked nothing like my parents. Especially my mother.

“I’m adopted. That’s why we don’t look alike but she is my mom.”

“You just seem so young to have a daughter of Lira’s age and so – “

Before he could finish flirting with my mother or carry on long enough for my oblivious father to notice I pulled him towards the house. “ Didn’t you need the restroom? And we better hurry that drink along. I’m exhausted.”

“Lira! That is no way to treat the gentleman who was kind enough to give you a lift home for free. Offer him something to eat as well. I am so disappointed in your behavior.” My mother would continue her lecture on manners the moment Peter left the building and I knew I was in for it but I needed to get him out of here. I yanked him in to the entrance hall and directed him towards the bathroom. He started towards the direction I had pointed out. On a table barely six steps away from him sat a bottle of SPF 80 Vamp SunSkin. I pushed passed him and grabbed the bottle discreetly behind my back. He gave me another funny look.

“The, uh, light switch is um over there and uh, I’ll be in the kitchen when you’re done.” I pointed to where the kitchen was and swiftly walked away. Not awkward at all. Nope. I passed my parents on the way to the kitchen and glared at them. The just looked confused.

I walked into the kitchen to find my grandmother at the kitchen table having her lunch.

If you know anything about ghouls, you know you have to have a strong stomach to watch them eat. Luckily living with her had given me just that. However, I doubted Peter would appreciate her lunch as much as she did. She daintily cut off a finger of the hand she was eating and popped it into her mouth. I heard her crunch through the bone and even I felt a slight twinge in my stomach. Nothing screams abnormal like a finger perched on silver ware. I heard the toilet flush and so I did the only thing I could do. I snatched my grandmother’s plate, pulled her up from her seat and shoved them both into the pantry before slamming the door closed just in time.

“Are you okay? You’re looking a little frazzled.” Oh no I’m fine, just hiding my ghoul away from you, hoping you don’t stick a stake into one of my family members. Just everyday worries.

“Just peachy. So what would you like to drink?” I opened the refrigerator to see what we had in it but swiftly slammed it shut before he could see the bags of blood that filled at least half of the refrigerator. “We have water. Tap water. That’s it.”

“Then I’ll have tap water. Or just a tall glass of you.” I took a deep calming breath. Grabbed a glass and filled it for him and realized that the calming breath was completely ineffectual. I watched anxiously as he drank his water, my nails taping impatiently on the kitchen counter. I heard something from the pantry and started to violently cough to cover up the sound.

“Are you okay?” he asked again. I was beginning to think my odd behavior might just put him off me and I would benefit from all this stress in the end. Every cloud should have a silver lining after all.

“Yeah I’m fine, might have the flu and I’m so tired and I have so much unpacking to do.”

He downed the last of his water. “Yeah I should probably get going, I still have quite a journey to make.” I walked him to the door, ecstatic to finally get rid of him.

We walked past my sister on the way out and I didn’t even pause to introduce them to each other.

“Well, bye then.” I was standing awkwardly with my hands in my pockets when he leaned in to kiss me.  I just stepped a way in time and tripped over nothing landing on my ass. He laughed as he sauntered off and just before he drove away he shouted, “By babes,” and winked at me. If he ever did that again he would loose an eyelid.

I walked back into the house, my body finally relaxing.

“Who was the hot guy?” I looked at my sister in disbelief.

“You disgust me.”