We arrive at the party and, to be honest, I just want to get out of here. I've never really liked parties.
For the whole ride here Dan's been... Weird. Actually he's been acting strangely since yesterday.
I walk over to Dan and, as I'm about to tell him that I'm going outside for a bit, some guy interrupts us asking about whether we're British or something.
"W-What house are you in?" he asks, talking about Harry Potter.
"I'm Hufflepuff," I say, smiling for the camera that he's vlogging with.
"Gryffindor," Dan says, clearly faking a smile as well.
"Are you really Hufflepuff?" the guy asks me.
Dan looks at me, smiling, "I know, how adorable, right?"
I laugh, a little awkwardly as I try to process what he just said to me. Did he just call me adorable? Even if it is for the camera, that's a bit of a stretch.
I give him a confused look as he carries on talking to the guy, brushing it off as if it never happened.
However, as soon as the guy walks off, he stops laughing and goes back to being his normal self.
"I need some air," I say, "Y-You should probably come with me.... So we don't look weird on our own, or anything."
"Right, yeah," he sighs, following me out of the back door.
I look around to check there's nobody nearby before turning back to Dan, "Why did you do that, Dan?"
"What?" he asks, pretending to be clueless.
"Call me adorable... Why did you do it?" I look at him sadly. He's being so confusing right now and it's actually scaring me a little bit.
"I didn't say that," he says, giving me a serious look.
"Yeah," I scoff, "Sure, you didn't."
"I didn't!" he says, sounding more like he's trying to convince himself, rather than me.
"Dan... Sure, I get that you're not ever going to look at me the same as you used to. I'm gay and you don't like that. That's fine. It's whatever. I'm used to that. But don't go out of your way just to insult me... or to pretend that you didn't say something that could've been vaguely nice," I sigh, "Can we not just be friends?"
For a few seconds I see Dan start to smile and give in. But maybe I was imagining it. Because, when I look up at him again, his face is angry and twisted.
"You disgusting faggot! Don't pretend I've said something, just to get me into bed. I won't ever be into you, Phil!" he shouts.
You know what? Scrap what I said about him changing.
I sigh, "It's just as I thought... You won't ever change."
He's about to shout at me again, before he suddenly pulls back. He stops for a minute and just looks down, furrowing his brow. Then, he looks back at me and, for the first time ever, seems to regret what he said to me. "I - I'm sorry Phil..." he whispers.
"Did you apologise to me?" I ask, genuinely quite surprised.
"Seems like it, doesn't it?" he laughs.
"I'm, um, just going to... going to go over there," I point awkwardly over to the party scene.
"Yeah... Right, I might head home," Dan says.
"O-Oh... Actually, could I - um - come with you?"
"Yeah, sure..." Dan mumbles, clearly deep in thought.
"I'm sorry. I overreacted..." I apologise, as we walk to the front of the building.
"You shouldn't be apologising," he says, laughing bitterly.
"Why the sudden change in tone?" I ask.
"I, um... I-" he starts, but I interrupt him.
"You know what? Nevermind. I should probably just enjoy it while it lasts," I say, kind of jokingly.
"Phil... I want to change - I really do. I'm trying. I just..."
"You know, this would all be better if you just told me what's been bothering you all these years."
"It's not that easy," he laughs, running his fingers through his hair.
"Clearly."
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Off Camera | Phan
Fanfictionwhen phil lester comes out as gay, dan howell doesn't take it very lightly ~✧✦✧~ chapter titles song titles <3 ~✧✦✧~ cover art made by @emkabob ~✧✦✧~ triggers: -slurs + other homophobia -bullying -mention of suicide