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1. Research

1. Research

Tessa's POV

Late at night, after dinner, after everyone goes and hides in their little corner, their own little pieces of heaven, I go and hide in a nook by my bedroom's window. I go there to contemplate the stars and to wander in my own mind. I go there to forget about everything and everyone and get lost inside my own head.

It's in those moments that I clear my head, delete bad thoughts or feelings and redefine myself as a stronger person. It's a luxury I have, even if there are others who need it more than me.

I must admit, I am not depressed nor have I ever been. I had simply gone through heartbreak and loss but that's it. I've never truly experienced those dreadful feelings that live inside one's mind and never seem to crawl out of.

I've honestly been pretty focused on James since he called earlier. Even while I was at dinner, I tuned out and started thinking about him.

'What's he like? What happened? What is he feeling? What's poisoning his every thought and clouding his judgement?' These were a few of the questions that popped in my head until my dad snapped me out of this trance.

I can't imagine what it feels like and I'm pretty sure I never want to find out and experience it myself, hopefully, I will never have to know what it really is. What being trapped inside your own head and body must feel like... Having low self-esteem is more than hard enough... I don't think I could handle all that baggage, maybe James is right to feel this way but he shouldn't take his own life because of all those screwed up feelings!

I grab my laptop off my bag since I had an hour and a half for lunch today so I thought I would make use of my time. After opening up Google I search the word 'depression' and over 172 million results in 0.35 seconds showed up, I'm sure it's not a good thing.

I decide I should isolate myself more so I get up and close my door, my nook's curtains and the window a little. After opening up a new Word file I start my research.

I open up a page that says 'NIMH » Depression' and start reading its contents. 

'Depression (major depressive disorder or clinical depression) is a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working.'

I open another page after copying the previous one's contest to the Word file and find something heart-breaking: 'Many people, and sometimes their families, feel embarrassed or ashamed about having depression.' How can people even breathe knowing you feel like a burden to the people you love most? How can people live thinking that about others who need help? What is wrong in this world?

I change my topic to 'causes' and find stressful events, such as going through a divorce, or losing a close family member or friend, some medicines (steroids, some painkillers) and also family history might influence this illness.

I'm guessing it was a stressful event that made him feel this way. I don't think family history would be the source, but then again I don't know him. At all... I just can't imagine him doing steroids or drugs... I don't know why, however, I got the feeling that he is smarter than that. Am I a fool to think so highly of someone I only exchanged a few words with? Maybe yes, maybe not... I hope not. I hope my expectations aren't just that, expectations, simply born from my imagination and with absolutely no facts or truth in them...

The next thing to look for is symptoms and sadly I find a whole bunch of them. Everything from feeling sad and empty decreased interest in activities to difficulty thinking, fatigue and sudden weight changes and, last but not least, recurrent thoughts of death or suicide.

When I take another peek, after copying it to my file, I check to see if he is truly depressed.

Regarding the appetite, weight, fatigue and difficulty using his mental faculties I can't say if there have or haven't been any changes since I don't know him in person... However, the feelings are a whole another story! The suicide thoughts are obviously there, he told me that himself and I do believe he doesn't appreciate himself enough either. It's probably hard if not impossible to think highly of oneself during such a difficult struggle with yourself, with the voice that resides inside your head but doesn't seem to shut up.

I've never had someone call with an actual problem before! Hell, the only two other guys who call didn't have actual problems, asking me how to tie a tie and if size matters aren't real issues... Seriously do people sometimes just forget the wonderful online world that is Youtube? Anyway, my current problem is finding a way to overcoming depression but there's no formula since everyone has a different and unique kind of it...

I look up a website I trust and try to find testimonies about this complicated topic, sadly I find several... I don't remember when it was but I'm really glad I found TED, it's full of inspiring, motivational and more importantly truthful talks.

I click on the 2nd one after noticing its title 'Overcoming Depression'. Once I'm a few minutes in, I listen to something, something deep...

"Some people might fear girls, some people might fear sharks but for me, for a large part of my life, I feared myself. I feared my truth, I feared my honesty, I feared my vulnerability and that fear made me feel like I was forced into a corner, I was forced into a corner and there was only one way out. So I thought about that way every single day, if I'm being totally honest while I'm standing here, I've thought about it since because that's the sickness. It's depression and depression isn't chicken pocks, it's not something that you beat once and it goes away, it's something you live with.' I pause the video to process his speech, not knowing how to feel about this, obviously, it's horrible but there's no foolproof solution. I press play all hear every little word he says, 'it's the roommate you can't kick out, the voice you can't kick out, the feelings you can't seem to escape."

The talk itself was amazing, the strength this man showed by stepping up and revealing and talking freely about this problem is wonderful! Sadly he said something much worse than fearing ourselves, he told the painful truth... 'And beneath my big personality was an even bigger problem.'

{AN}

Hey everyone, this chapter was added-on to the novel after the book was almost completed to add some key facts about depression. All the facts shown here are genuine, including the TED talk mentioned.

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