If Tomorrow Never Comes

27. When He's Not Right There Beside Me

When Alex came home, Matt, Jamie and Nick were waiting for him in the kitchen. They had already helped Alaina move the bed, and were now sipping their Coke's while chatting. As soon as they saw Alex, they started cheering, and took him in a group hug.
"Wait- what's going on?" Alex asked confused when he saw the big grins on his friends' faces.
"Remember the producer from our performance in Sheffield? He called me this morning!" Matt said proudly.
"He has spoken with some people, and he's considering producing an album with us!"
Alex looked at him incrediously.
"You're kidding, right? This is some stupid prank?"
But their beaming smiles told him him they were perfectly serious, and an absurd happiness started spreading through Alex' body. He couldn't surpress the giant grin that took over his features, and he giggled as he slowly realised what they'd said.
"So we'll have our own album out? When can we start?"
Jamie laughed affectionately at his childlike enthousiasm. "Not so fast, Alex. He said it would be better if we did a little tour in England first, so people can get to know us. He proposed we'd do that during the summer vacation, so it doesn't have to interfere with college. Of course, if it's a succes we're gonna have to drop out to focus on the music, but if it flops at least we'll still have our studies."
But there was no way Alex was going to let this flop. A tour. An album. It was like all his dreams had come true, and Alex refused to let failure be an option.
I'll have to write new songs he thought, and he couldn't wait to start writing, motivated by the prospect of an own album.
But as soon as he mentioned that they needed to write new material, Matt shot him a stern look.
"You can work on that tomorrow, okay? But tonight, we're going to party."
"This stuff certainly gives us reasons to celebrate, right? How many music-related parties did we have the past months? I'd say at least five," Alex commented, smirking. "I don't mind though. You can always get me in for a party. You guys wanna go right now?"
They all nodded eagerly, and Alex shot Alaina a pleading look. He knew she'd wanted to stay in tonight, but this was a special occasion. Alaina seemed to understand, for she nodded with a smile. "Can I join you guys?" she asked.
"Of course!" Alex said happily. He'd love to have her around, really. She'd become so much nicer now they lived together, and he needed distraction tonight. The past day and night with Miles had been, well, intense, and having Alaina by his side always made it a lot easier to forget about those things. She was just so present and distracting, and she was beautiful and funny and he could kiss her whenever he wanted...
"How was Miles doing, by the way?" Nick asked, tearing Alex away from his thoughts. "I heard you went to see him?"
"Yes, I did," Alex said. "He was... Not okay, really. He had been very... ill, and he almost gave me a heartattack by how shitty he looked. It was quite frightening, really."
"Is he going to be alright?" Jamie asked concerned.
Alex nodded, smiling positively. "Yes, I'm sure he'll be fine. We- erm, he slept a lot and eh, yeah, he already looked much better this morning. I think he'll come back pretty soon."
"Do you think he can come with us tonight? Or is he still too weak?" Matt inquired, his phone already in his hand.
"I don't know," Alex shrugged. "I would say he's still too weak, but you never know with him. You could call him to ask?" he concluded uncertainly.
Please don't call. Please just decide we want to do this with the five of us. I can't stand another night of that pain.
But Matt already had the phone in his hand, and was dialing Miles' number. He put the phone on speaker, and soon Miles' croaked voice was echoing through the house.

"Hey Matt," Miles said, picking up. "How've ye been doing?"
"Miles! You're not dead!" Jamie shouted jokingly. "We're doing great here. Alex finally decided to grace us with his presence, and we wanted to throw a party. Wanna come?"
"Huh, wait, what? What are we celebrating?" Miles didn't understand what was going on. Alex had been here less than an hour ago, and he never mentioned a party.
At his question, a giddy silence had fallen, and Alex cleared his throat.
"The producer called us back," he started, his sweet voice high with excitement, but never lacking that beautiful languidness that always made him sound dreamy.
"He wants us to go on a tour this summer, and maybe even sign us up for an album!"
Miles let out a short, surprised laugh.
"That- that's so great, mates! You're gonna become fuckin' rock stars!"
They laughed, knowing the chance they would ever have a big success was incredibly small, but today they wouldn't let that bring them down, and they appreciates Miles' confidence in their abilities.
"So, are you coming to celebrate?" Nick asked. "We could pick you up if you want. Alaina' s coming too."
Miles felt his elevated mood drop. If there's anything I can't use right now, it's watching Alex kiss her. Not after tonight. I can't watch him touch her after sleeping in his arms, and realise that it didn't mean the same to him as it did to me. I'd rather keep up the fantasy a bit longer.
"You know, I'd love to," he started, "but I don't think that's such a good idea right now. I'm still not completely better-"
I'm still an emotional wreck with a crush on his best friend
"-and, erm, I should probably get some rest if I want to go to class this Monday. But you go have fun, you deserve it!" he concluded with a nervous laugh.
Why am I nervous? It's not like they're gonna think I'm lying. I am not even lying, technically. It probably would be a bad idea for me to go out tonight.
"Shame," Matt said. "But we understand. Get well soon, mate. We'll see you Monday?"
"Yeah, Monday I'll be fine. Have a good time!"

***

Miles let out a deep sigh when he out the phone down. He was happy for his friends, of course he was. But he knew that the prospect of a career in music would mean that his friends would spend way less time with Miles.
And if the tour's a success, they'll probably drop out of university, and I'll only see them once a month or so. I'll lose all my friends. I'll lose Alex...
No, he couldn't allow himself to think of that yet. Nothing had happened yet. Everything was possible. No need to despair.
He truged to the couch, and noticed that Alex had left 'Dorian Gray' behind. He rifled through the pages, and started reading the first chapter again, trying to see it through Alex' eyes. But he simply couldn't. He couldn't imagine what Alex had been thinking, since all Miles could think about while reading this was Alex Alex Alex and he was pretty sure the other boy didn't do that.
The fact that he didn't understand Alex unnerved Miles. The other boy always seemed to know exactly what was on his mind, but Miles was completely at loss the other way around. Sure, he could finish Alex' sentences, and they hardly needed to speak in order to communicate. But when it came to Alex' feelings, Miles didn't know shit. Of course, his vision was blurried by his own love.
Nevertheless, Miles couldn't understand how Alex was still dating Alaina, was moving in with her, even. He couldn't understand how he could stand her, when she obviously was annoying and so possessive. But most of all, Miles couldn't understand how Alex could hug- no, cuddle- him all night, and then go back to his girlfriend like nothing happened.

***

Alex really enjoyed himself that night. They had gone to a pizza place for dinner, and afterwards to a couple of clubs; of course Alex enjoyed himself. There were drinks and music and his friends and Alaina. What was there not to enjoy?
That was a rhetorical question, he chided himself as the image of Miles flashed before his eyes.
I know I fucking miss him, no need to remind myself of it. Goddammit, brain.
Of course he missed Miles. No matter how great the party was, it simply wasn't complete without him. None of his other friends, not even Alaina, could replace him.
It was probably for the best, though. Alex needed some time to let go, to remind himself Miles was a no-go, a Mission: Impossible, and that it was no good pining for him.
But though it was good not to have him close tonight, and to know he was able to enjoy himself without Miles, Alex knew one thing for sure: he would immediately, without any hesitation, exchange a thousand of these party nights for one more night in Miles' arms.