If Tomorrow Never Comes

29. Made Me Kiss You

Alex watched the bottle spin around time after time. Each time it slowed down, his stomach became a knot, and nerves raced up and down his spine. He didn't want to kiss anyone. He didn't want to see other people kiss.
Fortunately for him, he hadn't needed to stand up yet. As if the bottle could feel his anxiety, it had always stopped by someone else, which Alex was immensely grateful for. Miles, however, wasn't that lucky.
Or maybe he does consider himself lucky. Maybe he actually likes this stupid game.
Miles certainly looked like he was enjoying himself, all smiles and smirks and arrogance when once again, he had to move to the middle of the circle to kiss a girl -or Nick, one time. But he didn't seemed to mind that either, and neither did Nick.
Because they are friends, without feelings for each other. Why would it embarrass them to kiss? They don't have anything to hide.
Alex, on the other hand, did. He had to hide the jealous gazes he sent whoever received Miles' kisses, which was particularly difficult since Miles was sitting opposite to him and could see Alex all the time, even when he was kissing.
He had to hide his disgust when Marilyn got to kiss him a second time, making soppy noises as their lips moved on each other.
He had to hide his hope whenever his best friend spun the bottle around.

***

Miles enjoyed the childish game way more than he probably should have. He liked the strange recklessness of it, the attitude that it didn't matter, the combination of excitement and shame. And besides, he really needed to kiss someone to keep his mind off Alex. His friend seemed rather distant during the whole game, and clearly uncomfortable. If Miles wouldn't have had the selfish hope of getting to kiss him, he would've suggested Alex stopped playing, for he really didn't look well.
After this round, I will, he promised himself. The poor boy looks like he's going to throw up.
Miles tore his eyes away from Alex, and his lips from Marilyn. The poor girl's face was all flushed, and Miles felt slightly guilty. Don't be. You're not leading her on. You're playing the fucking game.
When Marilyn had sat down again, it was Miles' turn to spin. He gave the bottle a twist, and quickly stepped away as not to interfere with it. He watched the bottle make three full circles, before slowing down and halting to a stop. Miles followed the direction of the glass neck with his eyes. His neck was burning with what he'd already known, but it wasn't until he met Alex' eyes, which were opened wide in shock, that he realised what this meant. And though this was all he'd ever wanted from this game, his heart fell to his socks.

***

Alex felt trapped, exposed and extremely vulnerable as his friends' eyes all directed towards him. He could feel their gazes prying, and all the blood left his face. He shot Alaina, who was sitting next to him, a pleading, desperate look, but she just chuckled drunkenly. "It's just a game, Alex, don't worry," she slurred. " It's only the first time anyway, so you don't have to do anything. You kiss him all the time. You just gotta move a little sideways from the cheek, that's it."
And with that, she gave him a little push towards the centre of the circle.
Alex stood up, and brushed off his pants, before finally meeting Miles' eye. The entire room seemed to be silent, even though Jamie and Kate were still laughing, and Alaina was saying something to Joanne. His vision blurried, too, making Matt and Nick, who were staring intently, fade out around the edges. The only thing sharp and bright and real in the room was Miles. He saw the boy's dark eyebrows furrow in concern, and he felt his hand on his shoulder like a anchor rooting him to Earth. His warm, melodious voice, asking him if he was alright, telling him he didn't have to do this if he didn't want to.
Please don't make me do this, he thought, but the rest of his mind was screaming, yearning for that kiss, and he felt himself nod, and heard his own faint voice tell Miles he was fine, no need to worry.
And Miles nodded, too, and smiled apologetically before leaning over, never breaking eye contact, and placing a gentle kiss on his lips.
And before he even knew it, Miles was gone, retreated to a safe distance,  close, but far too far away for Alex' liking, and the world seemed to speed up to it's normal tempo again, the sound and colours rushing back, and a pang of disappointment piercing Alex' chest. He shot Miles a half-smile, too exhausted by his own emotions to join in on the silly jokes Marilyn was making at their expense.
What did I expect? Anything more would've been strange, awkward,  meaningful. It's just a game. A kiss on the lips like a kiss on the cheek. A friend's kiss. A game.
He waited till Miles had sat down again before he took his turn spinning the bottle. For a brief moment, somewhere before he let go of the bottle and stepped away, his eyes locked with Miles'. His friend's  face flushed, but still not completely without worry, and for once in his life, Alex couldn't make out what he was thinking.

Now that it was Alex spinning it, the bottle suddenly seemed to take much longer to come to a halt. During those few everlasting seconds, Miles' insides had knotted to a gigantic ball of worry, longing and shame. He wanted to kiss Alex, really kiss him, not the cowardly short brushing of lips they'd had just before. He wanted to kiss him right here and right now, without caring who saw. But he couldn't,  and even in his intoxicated state, he was fully aware of that.
Because Alex already looked like he was going to be sick, and being snogged by someone he thought of as nothing more than a best friend, right in front of his other friends and girlfriend, for Christ's sake, certainly wouldn't improve that. And even though Miles couldn't care less about what his other friends or Alaina would think, he did care about Alex, and he knew he'd never embarrass him like that, no matter how much he himself wanted it. But when the bottle stopped turning, it's neck pointing straight at him, he couldn't help but feel his heart flutter, way more than it should have.
And when he met Alex' eye again, the other boy didn't even look that miserable. Alex even smiled, though there was a certain sadness in his eyes Miles couldn't completely identify, but that seemed to resonate with what he himself was feeling: an intense longing, crushed by the knowledge they would never truly kiss like this again, and that this stupid game broke his heart, rather than filling it.

It was softer, and shorter, and stranger than their bathroom kiss had been. And yet, it was, in a way, more passionate, more desperate, more telling, than that had been. Sure, they were drunk, and playing a game, but when Miles had cupped his face with his hand, a shiver that was not altogether unpleasant,  had rolled down Alex' spine, and for that fleeting moment when their lips met, Alex had once again forgotten about the world around them, closing his eyes and letting Miles' kiss seep down into deep hollowness in his chest.
Their faces slightly angled, he could feel Miles' bottom lip on the skin near his mouth, sucking him and letting go like he wanted to eat him whole, like he wanted to breathe him in. Miles was a good kisser, most certainly, and although his lips were chafed from the cold, they were softer and sweeter than any Alex had ever kissed.
Too soon, however, did the other boy pull away, and Alex was cold and alone again, even though he was surrounded by people and his cheeks were aflame. Miles, too, was blushing, but unlike Alex, he kept himself together, laughing when Jamie made a dry comment on how serious they had taken this. Then, he ruffled Alex' hair, and smiled at him, a smile so sweet and loving and genuine that it made Alex' legs feel like jelly.
Alex could only smile back weakly, feeling once again like he might collapse. He shuffled back to his place again and sat down, ignoring the jokes and laughter from his friends, trying desperately to remember everything from the kiss. But though it had only been seconds ago, the details were already beginning to fade, no matter how he reached out for them.

When Miles spun again, the bottle ended up pointing somewhere between Alex and Alaina, but Miles helped Alaina up without a word, and kissed her shortly, though he grinned at her when he let go. And when he sat down, and once again locked eyes with his best friend, Alex tried his very best to convey his gratefulness, and to hide his pain.
A few rounds later, he got up, excused himself, and sat down on one of the chairs, far from the circle. He grabbed his book and tried to focus on the words that were swimming for his eyes, and to stop himself from looking when Miles, once again, got up to kiss someone else than him.