Dangerous Infatuation

Planning

On my way home from work I think about how I'm going to action getting what I want.
Mr 2pm has disturbed something inside of me. Something that intensifies everytime I see him. Something that my own husband can't settle down.
I'm forever left frustrated and excited.

Being married at 23 and contemplating an affair is not how I'd imagined my life turning out.
If you had asked me at 15 if I'd be married at 23 I would have laughed in your face. If you had asked me if I'd ever cheat on my husband, I'd have been disgusted at the thought..... but shit happens.
Life is hard and we can't always be as good as we'd like to be. Life is not black and white! Cruel circumstances result in immoral choices being made sometimes... only sometimes!

I tried to leave my husband four times before giving up and accepting my fate.
I realised that when you love people, it's dangerous! They get addicted to your love, they see you as their saviour. And then no one else can have you. They become possessive, controlling and you become trapped.

I'm not looking for Mr 2pm to save me from my depressing marriage. I don't want to give him my love. I only want to break my routines and fulfil my desires.
I don't even feel bad! Does this make me a bad person?
I question myself for a little bit, my character... my morals...
No, I'm not bad! I've done so many good things for people and this has never worked in my favour. So what if I want to indulge myself for once, so fucking what!!

My stop pulls up and I jump off the tube, no closer to having a plan of action.
I need to get him on his own, I know he wants what I want. He just doesn't know I want it too, I think... maybe he does...

I put my headphones in and listen to music to free my mind of all thoughts. I dance down the street giving myself the last few moments of joy before I'm back to being "Mr drug dealer schizophrenics" wife.

I roll my eyes as I notice his car on the drive. You have to mentally prepare yourself to deal with his character. He wasn't always like this, but people change as they age. A hard life changes you, staring death in the face changes you, losing a child changes you. But I don't think I'll turn out like him if I live to be 37.

As I enter through the door he approaches me causing me to jump back. "Baby I missed you, how was work?"
I can't even reply to his question as he's pulled me towards him, enclosing me in such a tight hug that I'm struggling to breathe.
It's the same schizophrenic behaviour everyday. The moodswings just never stop! This morning I was being chastised for working and now I'm being smothered with hugs and kisses.
He's picked me up and placed me on his lap in the sitting room.
I know what's coming, the "I'm sorry" speech. The attempt at softening my coldness towards him, my anger! An attempt to win back my love. A choice of words to lead me to believe that his unreasonable and psychotic behaviour is out of love for me.

"Mami listen, I'm sorry I shouted at you this morning. I just can't stand the thought of guys perving all over you all day" -
"I work in a bakery not a pub" I abruptly interject, but he silences me by putting his finger to my lips and continues.
"And I can't stand the thought of everyone thinking I don't give you what you need. That you have to go out and earn it for yourself... Don't I look after you? Don't you have enough here? Is there anything you need?"
He says this like his heart is breaking, it's almost as if he might cry. The old me would feel so guilty, upset with myself for hurting him. But older, I'm now wise to the manipulation and quite frankly I'm fed up of it.
"No babe, I have everything I need. I just enjoy working. I love everything you do for me" I kiss his cheek and quickly slide off his lap, so I can get away and get lost in thoughts of Mr 2pm.

He's ordered a Chinese takeaway for dinner so I don't have to cook tonight. This gave me the luxury of relaxing in a bubble bath, getting lost in the plot line of a new novel I've just started reading.
I don't particularly enjoy sitting in a bath, I'm more of a shower type girl. But "enjoying" a bubble bath is a perfect excuse to just be me, myself and I. No interruptions from the husband! No reminders of my pathetic existence in this house.
"Sophiaaaa, the food is here darling" he shouts out, cutting the "me time" short.

After dinner I take my time washing up the dishes. I want to waste as much time as possible before I have to engage in the pointless two minute sex with my husband. I'm sure Mr 2pm will give me more than two minutes.
It used to be fun, lots of foreplay involved, the sex was one of the few good things about this crazy unhealthy relationship. But as soon as I got that ring on my finger it went downhill. No effort, no excitement!

Sighing, I make my way to the bedroom. I'm so tired and I just want to sleep.
As soon as I get into bed he grabs me towards him.
Here we go again....
My mind wanders far away, out of my body, out of this bed. As he's moaning and panting, going in and out of me, I'm thinking.
I'm thinking how I'm going to get Mr 2pm.