The Beginning of the End (Editing)

Six (Part Two) : El-ephant

I, leaning against Eleanor, stumble back and forth bringing her with me. She's laughing at me and I'm laughing at me too. It's kinda funny, this alcoholic feeling. As long as I don't end up like my great grandpa who accidentally killed himself by falling down two flights of stairs while drunk, I think I'll be fine.

She's talking into my ear, and I can't really tell what she's saying. Her voice mixed with the pounding of the music is just not going well. Besides, my eyes are attached to everything around the room. The dancers, the dickheads, the stoners and the sluts. We're like a big circus filled with curious teenagers who know no better than to be curious. Hah, I can't talk. I've downed over two litres of varying types of alcohol. I feel like I've been on a ship for years. Sea legs. I see legs dancing. Hah. Sea legs.

"Kyle?" I snap out of my trance and realise I'm sat on a bed in some room I didn't even know existed. I gaze at El and smile, looking down at my lap and at my hands. Damn I've got big hands.

"Yes Elephant," I chuckle a little. Elephant. Eleanorphant. El-ephant. I like elephants. "Elephant" I fall back, laughing uncontrollably.

"God Kyle," She flops down next to me, staring at me by my side as she lies on her side. "You're really gonna feel this tomorrow" A laugh flutters from her lips and I try to calm myself down. Elephant.

"I wish" I add, looking at her. My mind paints a trunk on her face, with big floppy ears and a weird little mouth. I try to hold in my laughter. "Even if you looked like an elephant I'd feel ya.. Maybe that's why Lochie's fucking you right?"

"Because I'm an elephant?" She lightly laughs.

"Hey aren't you supposed to be stoned? You look stoned. You kinda smell stoned too.. You could probably use some perfume in case the cops show up" I say, pointing a knowing finger at her. She stares down at me in a way that I feel kind of uncomfortable. Meh. I don't care.

"I'm not stoned Kyle," She looks down, then to the drawn curtains. I watch her as she gets up and pulls them open, revealing a full moon and a sky full of stars. She's staring out, as if she's looking for something, perhaps a constellation. I wonder if there's a constellation that's the shape of a penis? "I'm just.. I'm happy. And I'm afraid of it".

I snap out of my thoughts about a dick in the sky and focus. "Why would you be afraid to be happy? Being happy is great, isn't it?" I sit up and stare at her. She isn't moving, she's just staring.

"My happiness doesn't last long, Kyle. It's given to me then is taken away from me in only a fraction of the time it took for me to get there," She turns around with watery eyes before covering her mouth with her hand. Im pulled out of my dopey thoughts a little more. "I'm just afraid that Lochie is going to turn out a bad thing, you know?" She wipes her eyes before sitting down next to me.

I know I'm drunk, and I know that part of this night will end up forgotten. But it hurts to know that she's afraid to be happy. Afraid to feel happy. I want her to feel like she can be happy without fearing the worst. She's told me this before, a billion times before. Each and every time I'm left with warm tears on my shoulder and a teasing hug. How many times will it take her to find the person that'll make her heart, not break it?

Does she know that I'm literally right here?

I look around the room, laying my eyes upon a petite silhouette cast by the lonely moon. I close my eyes, the sun loves the moon, so much so that he rises and falls each and every day just to watch her to illuminate the darkest of skies.

I love the moon. I love Eleanor. I rise and fall just to watch her glow. I rise and fall, just to watch her fall into the wrong hands. Could I tell her?

"Listen, Eleanor," I open my eyes, staring into pools of blue that drown me every time I look into them. They're sad, pitiful even. She doesn't want my pity though, she just wants happiness. "I-I.." I run my hand through my hair, standing up and tilting to the right a little. Shit, of all the nights I get drunk.

"I just need help Kyle," She approaches me, bringing her cold, slender hands to my jaw. Her eyes are pouring into mine, searching for even the smallest glimpse of reassurance. Tell me that I'm wrong, tell me that I'm going to be happy and that I'll stay that way. "What do I do?" She pleads.

I slowly bring my hands to hers, resting them on top of hers to warm them. Fuck, fuck. Her eyes are darting all over my face, looking for signs. Here I am unable to fathom a single word to describe what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling. How I've felt for years and have never been able to admit. I take a deep breath in, inhaling slowly and shakily.

"Kyle?"

"Eleanor, I l-" I cut myself off, grasping her hands and holding them in between our faces. Despite the alcohol coursing through my veins.. "I can't promise you anything, okay? But I think that one day you'll be happy. You won't have to fear the worst, it'll just be Maia, Faith, you and your husband. You'll be happy and you won't have to be afraid of it, you shouldn't have to be afraid of it." I kiss her clenched hands, holding them tightly. My eyes fall closed, my breathing becoming uneasy and unsettled. I can't do it.

My eyes peel open, expecting tears and frustration. All I see is eyes, wild and blue. Staring me dead into mine. Her breathing is slow, calm and slow. Her gaze is unbearable, glued to me. I feel like a deer the headlights of an oncoming car- expecting a hit.

"Kyle.." She begins, I notice a lump travel down her throat. "B-but what about Lochie? Is he good for me?." There's the hit.

I look back down at our hands moulded together. I can barely see hers underneath mine. "I don't know El," I inhale again. "I'd like to think I know, but I don't. I never will. I just, I wish I knew that he loved you, then I could tell you that there was nothing to worry about. But I don't know, I don't even know if he doesn't love you. All I know is that I lo-" I cut myself off again and I swallow my words before they tumble out of my mouth.

"I've never- ugh.. Love isn't easy, Eleanor. No matter what, no one will be good or bad for you. They'll just be enough for you. They'll have you grinning, they'll have you in tears. They'll have you telling them everything about yourself and vice versa," I breathe in, looking her straight in the eyes as she is me. "But no matter what, at the end of the day, you'll know they're enough for you because even in a room full of money, diamonds and stars, his eyes will only ever be on you." A heavy sigh leaves my lips.

The room is silent. Her breathing is still calm and soft, mine heavily leaving my mouth in toxic breaths. The music downstairs is thudding under my feet, the yelling drowned out by the heavy beating in my chest.

Without warning, she embraces me in a hug. Her arms are wrapped around my torso, as if she doesn't want to let go. I couldn't pry them off if I tried. It's a warm feeling, it's nice. I hesitate before wrapping my arms around her, resting my head on hers. I'm swaying a little, fifty percent because of the liquor, fifty percent because of the giddiness I feel in my stomach.

A smile finds its way to my lips. Even though I didn't tell her how I feel, how I really feel, I'm glad that I am able to do this. To hug her and to enjoy her presence. I'd give anything to have this moment again.

"I wish you enough, Kyle" She mumbles into my chest. I wonder if she can hear my heart beat? I run my hand through her ebony black hair, untangling the few knots and letting it hang free.

I let out another breath, grinning a little goofier as I kiss her forehead, "I wish you enough too, Elephant."