The Beginning of the End (Editing)

Twenty Five (Part Two) : Entry #108

July 20th

Entry #108

I now know why last night felt so weird with Lochie. I don't know if I knew when I felt off, but I think I know now. I don't want to know it, and I don't want to admit it, but tonight was special to me in the worst of ways.

Kyle and I sat at the beach and for some reason I found myself talking about the future I want to have. I bought up kids, and a husband, and the perfect family I never really had the opportunity to have with my parents. And what was strangest was that when I thought of the family I want to have, he was the man in my mind.

The thing is I couldn't stop looking at him. Like I tried and tried but I just couldn't. I don't even know what led me to his house so late at night but there I was, waiting outside of  his house with high hopes that he would join me wherever my feet took me.

And he did.

And for some reason, while talking on the beach, I looked at him and wondered if he'd ever found love. When he said he had, I felt weird inside. Like the feeling of a balloon deflating. Whoever she is, or was, she is a lucky girl to be loved by a guy like Kyle.

That's when I began to think thoughts that I didn't want to think, and never thought I would.

But after Kyle walked me home, and a whole lot of more thinking while getting there, I realized how blind I've been. I've let myself be passed around so much that I was ignorant to real care, like the care that Kyle shows for me.

When we got to my doorstep, an awkward silence fell upon us. He stood there with the moonlight cast behind him, he had his hands in his pockets and was rocking from the heels of his feet to his toes. He's so awkward....

But I think I love it.

Really love it.

But when he left with a friendly hug goodbye, my heart felt a little more empty.

I can't love him, we promised.

And he's kept his end, so I should keep mine.

I have Lochie, and he said that he loves me last night, so shouldn't I be happy with that?

Kyle couldn't love me anyway, we're just friends. He's just here because that's how it has been since I moved here. From the day he gave me that fucking flower, we've been two peas in a pod. Only I'm this rotten pea, and he's fresh and good. I guess that's just another reason he couldn't love me.

I'm just a poor parentless girl who's lost her way. I'm a party going, alcoholic little slut to everyone at school, so how could Kyle think any differently? Who knows, he might only be here because he feels obligated to. Maybe he just doesn't want this wayward soul to lose anything more. I mean, he has stopped me from doing some very, very stupid things.

Part of me wishes that he stopped me from Lochie.

I guess he really doesn't love me.

Maybe I should just dig my way out of these feelings for him.

-

"What the fuck is this shit, Harry!" I yell, standing up from the sand and throwing the journal at him. "What the fuck is that!" I yell again.

I can't believe this, I don't even know what to think of this. I don't even know why I'm yelling. Shouldn't this be a good thing? Shouldn't I be happy that this is how Eleanor really felt? She felt feelings for me; real, genuine feelings that came from her heart and she poured it out onto this fucking paper.

"Why the fuck didn't she tell me this shit?!" I yell once more, running my hands through my hair and pacing in the sand. Suddenly the waves sound a lot louder, and the rain sounds a lot heavier, and my heart is pounding a lot faster. "What is that shit?" My voice breaks, and for what feels like the hundredth time this week I fall to my knees in tears.

"I'm sorry Kyle, I thought you should know-"

"I didn't want to know that bullshit, Harry," I mutter bluntly into my hands, letting tears pool in my palms as the wind lashes against my body. I fall to my side and feel the damp grains of sand against my hand. That night flashes through my mind, and I look down the shore to a few hundred meters away to where we sat. And she thought those thoughts.

Her and I.

"Why here?" I mumble, trying to look at Harry through my tear blurred eyes. "We were right down there," I stand up and point down closer to the pier where she and I sat. "Right down there and you tell me this bullshit here?!" I yell again, kicking sand at him. His features remain concerned, and I'm surprised he hasn't punched me yet.

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I yell again, turning and walking towards the water.

I'm mad, too mad to explain but I just can't rationalize why. I mean, the fact that he showed me here is taunting enough to piss me off, and I guess that that's why my heart is hurting that much more.

Fuck this all. How did she not see that I loved her? I cared so fucking much and she was so fucking blind to the fact that I fucking loved her, and I hated seeing her in the situations she got herself into, and I just wanted the best for her. Why did I wait so long to tell her? Things could be so different, we could be happy, she could be mine.

"Fuck!" My lungs relieve themselves as I stare into the dark horizon of waves, I pick up a shell and toss it my hardest into the waves. But nothing helps.

"Punch me," Harry mumbles behind me and it almost frightens me. I turn around and notice my breathing is still heavy, and my fists are clenched at my sides. "Punch me." He repeats.

I continue staring at him, and I probably look stupid.

"If I know anything, it's that a good hit relieves a lot of-"

Without hesitation I swing my fist into his cheek, and the dull ache in my fist hurts so bad that it feels good. Harry stumbles backwards and brings his hand up to his cheek. But what's strangest is that he's smiling.

"Do it again-"

I swing my other fist at his jaw, and I find myself smiling too. I look at my reddened fists and flex them out a bit to relax them. I look at him to find him already looking at me, smiling just like he was before but with his hand on his jaw.

"I'm sorry, Kyle," He puts his hand out, waiting for me to shake it.

And without hesitation, I shake it.