Entwined

Before ever after

It first happened when I was five.

I had just finished coloring in my kindergarten book. It was filled with Picasso-like drawings of my knight of night, an Elmer’s-glued tissue-papered collage and answers to questions written down by our teacher Mrs. Frailles.

My classmates and I were sitting in a semi circle on the floor in the reading area. “Lycia, what do you want to be when you grow up?” Mrs. Frailles asked after all the other questions had been answered.

“Uh, a nurse.” She whispered meekly.

Mrs. Frailles went through the rest of the class. Police officers. Astronauts. Physicians. Teachers. Finally it was my turn.

“Aisleen, what do you want to be when you grow up?” Mrs. Frailles asked, her lavender eyes staring through me.

I said nothing.

“An actress?”

I shook my head.

“Film Director, maybe a producer?”

“Nope,” I said.

“A flight attendant?”

“Yuck!” I replied.

“Then what?” she asked, annoyed.

“A work that must satisfy others before you is pitiful. I hate it. In front of the camera or behind the scenes, I forsake it.” I thought for a moment. “I want to be . . .” 

“Yes?”

“I want to be . . . someone loved and appreciated! I hate my life! I hate everything! Working for others made me feel miserable. Then I’d rather be alone!” I shouted, to the shock and amazement of Mrs. Frailles and classmates for a moment. I thought her mouth dropped in alarm; maybe it did. The children sitting next to me inched away. 

I spent most of my childhood watching others inch away. 

I was conceived on my dad’s bed in one of his apartments – or on the rooftop of my mom’s dorm under twinkling stars – depending which one of my parents is telling the story. It doesn’t matter to me though. They were soul mates entwined with acting and theater. Long story cut short. Dad was the theater club president in his high school and during senior year a group of freshmen including mom auditioned for their founding presentation which drew them together. They were hippies, lucky them I’d be more eccentric. 

Ruby and Matt Rowe become more responsible after my entrance to the world. They sold the van they were living in and actually started renting property. The three of us laughed and played. We stayed up late watching their filmed performances. It was the best time ever. It didn’t last that long, dad got a call from his colleague that he got accepted in a remake film of William Shakespeare classic love story, Romeo and Juliet, he will be the co-producer. Mom got the role of Juliet. And I was alone. 

It wasn’t bad enough; they even sent me to a place that wasn’t my apartment, boring collages of kid’s handprints were all over the walls. Who decorates around here?  I wondered. Mom and Dad called it kindergarten.

“They’ll be your friends,” my mom reassured me as I clung to her side for dear life. She waved good-bye and blew me kisses as I stood alone beside the matronly Mrs. Frailles, which was as alone one can get.

I watched my mom walked away with the slightest frown I’d seen on her face. Maybe it was hard for her to let me go?  Ever since then I never complained. I made it easy for them, I just want some time for me but alas not even a minute. They got famous instantly that even made me miserable but I kept faking my smile for them.

That night mom was home and just to get another set of clothes for her film. She found me with my lips pressed against the TV screen, trying to kiss her and dad in one of their press conference. I can feel my tears starting to well up when mom just grabbed me and gave a big hug.

“I’m sorry sweetie, mommy promise to spend more time with you and daddy. I love you -” 

 “Mom! You’ll be late; I’m perfectly fine so just make your exit already.” I said smiling back. Maybe they really hate for me to left alone. Maybe they will stop working and be with like it was used to be. Maybe not. Maybe I’ll always be alone.

“Aisleen, what are you doing up so late? You have school tomorrow!”

“What? But I thought it was just the one time?” I said, panicked.

“Sweet Aisleen. You have to go everyday!”

Every day?  The words echoed inside my head. It was a life sentence. But I smiled back.

“That’s my girl”

 When I looked behind over my mom’s shoulder surprised to see dad. “Dad!” I said, running up to him.

“Just going to check on you, sweetie.” He said, kissing me on the cheeks. “You too, honey” he leaned in to kiss mom.

“Okay, got to go. Daddy and mommy promise to spend time with you much often now.”  

“I love you Mom, Dad.”

They smiled back the way I had last seen before these all began.