The Many Faces of Love

Carson (Fate)

A/N: *Names have been changed to protect individual's identities.

I found out later that he had been seeing Aliyah, or Morgan, or whatever the fuck her real name was for awhile behind my back. She knew about me, and didn’t care that he was having sex with both of us. She was nothing like Ashland. She was more disgusting to me than the most sexually diseased whore. She had no regard for anyone’s feelings but her own. She to this day still disgusts me. She is a worthless human being, and always will be.

I have only talked to Carson once since he stole my debit card and pulled money out of my account. It was years later, when I was engaged to Asher…Carson apologized for the stunts he had pulled and in his words, thanked me for “trying to help him love”. He asked me to come hang out with him, because he said he wouldn’t mind seeing an old ex, and I declined politely telling him that if I were ever to see him again I would run him over with a car. I think it symbolizes how he ran over my life. He literally bulldozed over it. He was, and will always be, my worst mistake. 

But I will never regret what choices or decisions I made that led me to Carson. Even though he was the devil in humans flesh…he was a learning experience. Something I will never put myself through again. Now I know the signs, and I know what to look for; if everyone you care about dislikes the person you want to be with, you need to dig deep into why that is. They love you and only want you to be happy. So in the end, they are only looking into what is best for you. If they all agree, then they’re probably all right…and you should take into consideration everything they say…instead of trying to make your own mistakes, because you could only hurt yourself more in the end. 

Thursday, May 03, 2007

The Pursuit of Happiness 

I haven't been happy in more than a year and a half. A certain person entered my life whom I was fooled to think would be my soul mate. But instead he was almost my destruction and demise so many times.

I remember when I used to tell him about my horrible ex boyfriend and all the things he said/did to me. And he used to tell me that he would never do that to me. Then it all started happening...slowly, but surely; the lies; the abuse; the other girls; the cheating; the mental, physical, and verbal abuse.

I have never cried more in my life than I have in these past 2 years. I never thought someone could break me down that bad to where I truly believe I am no one and I will never benefit anyone’s life by being in it. He told me so many times how I was a piece of shit. So many times how I was a fat ass. How I was so stupid. How I wasn't anything out of the ordinary. How I was ugly. And then he would turn around and try to tell me how I was the best thing that ever happened to him. How I was so amazing. How much he loved me. How beautiful I was and that I was not fat. But after hearing these horrible things so many times, I began to believe them. I let them consume my thoughts. I still to this day cannot understand how or why I stayed with someone who put me down and lied to me more times than I could count and someone who cheated on me. He seriously is the worst person I've ever known.

I used to tell him he was the devil in human flesh and he used to get so irate with me. But it's hilarious when not only I but more people who knew him called him that exact thing.

Ya know, sometimes I wonder if I stayed with him so long because I thought I could be the one to help him change and help him become a better person. But now after realizing all of this, I realize there will never be enough help for someone like him. And even though he used to say different, I know I was amazing…and probably the best thing that will ever have entered his life.

I gave him everything. I did everything for him. I paid for everything for him. I used to do the cutest things for him. I always put him before myself.

For instance, just last week, before all this went down, I went to Target to buy some stuff for our apartment and I stopped by the cd section and bought him 2 new cds, not even stopping to look at anything for myself. Now the cd’s sit on my coffee table in my apartment, untouched and unopened. I think I need to return them because they are simply a constant reminder.

Even with everyone saying that I shouldn't, I can't stop kicking myself. No one makes as many mistakes as I have. And if there is anyone out there in the world who has, I haven't met them. I had so many opportunities to get out of the horrible situation. And yet, I fooled myself into thinking he really loved me as much as he said he did. And that he was going to change for me just like he said he would. And even when I wanted to get out, even when that hand was extended for me to just simply take as I so badly wanted to, I was too afraid. After a year and a half of this shit, I was convinced that was all I deserved; to be with the most horrible person on the face of the planet. 

I am so much better off. I know this. And yet, I can't get over the fact that I remained so fucking stupid until it basically pummeled me right in the face. I mean he is now with a 17 year old because he obviously can’t be with me (his sugar mama) and he's doing acid with her and fucking her and probably attempting to move into her house. Which I mean, they both are probably equally mature so it probably works out fine. But she is choosing to be naive like I once was. And she is trying to press harassment charges on me (let me laugh at that one HAHAHA ya dumb cunt) because what she is not choosing to listen to is that the police are working WITH ME, to bring him down. And no matter what karma will come to kick him in the ass. He will NEVER find anyone as good as me. And that's the facts of life. 

So, where do I go from here? I'm pursuing happiness at full force. For too long I stayed with someone who only cared about himself and his needs and always put himself first. It's time for me to be selfish, for once. I am going to put myself first and I am going to see where it leads me. Wish me luck.