Songbird (Tradley AU)

Chapter Three - Dreaming Myself To Sleep

"Oh my god Jamesy, yes." I moaned, squeezing my eyes shut and digging my fingernails into brads hips, not quite consciously registering what I had just said before I finally finished and collapsed on the bed next to my not-quite boyfriend.

Brad smiled and cuddled up to me, like he did last time
"Jamesy?" He questioned "is that what you called your fiancé?"

"Hm?" I hummed, admittedly already half asleep "oh, right, um...I'm really sorry about that." I apologised in a mumble

It's just that you remind me so much of him that I can't help myself but think of James whenever you're around, I hope you don't mind

"Mm." Brad hummed "it's fine, I get it, it's hard losing someone...anyway, would I be able to go and have a shower?"

"Um, yeah, just go straight down the hall, there are towels on the rack and if you want to borrow a pair of underwear they're in the top draw." I explained, gesturing lazily to the chest of drawers against the creamy white walls.

Brad hummed a confirmation that he'd be borrowing a pair of underwear before getting up and picking out a bright pink pair before heading out to the bathroom, I sighed as I wrapped the duvet tightly around myself, the subject of James making me feel very lovely and vulnerable.

The day passed and Brad and I hung out, not really doing much talking but rather watching TV and trying to forget what had happened hours previously.

Brad sighed and turned to me "are we going to do something today or are we going to continue ignoring the fact that I like you, and you like me?" He asked, raising an eyebrow

His comment had taken me aback because, whether I care to admit it or not, I was thinking the same thing.

"Okay." I hummed "let's go out for dinner then."

"Great plan. I'm going to get ready, you go and find us a place to go and eat." He smiled, getting up from the couch and heading upstairs, I could hear him lingering on the stairs, leading me to assume he was looking at the pictures of James and I lining the walls up to my room.

Whilst Brad was getting ready I looked at nice places to eat, looking for one that myself and James hadn't been to so that I wasn't preoccupied with thoughts of him.

Eventually I found a small Italian restaurant just down the road and decided it was perfect. After sorting my hair out and making sure I had enough money to pay for the meal before heading out the house, Brad beside me.

"See, isn't this already better than sitting inside and ignoring me?" Brad teased with a small laugh

"Okay Curley, I admit it, this is already better." I smiled, swinging my hand down my side, hoping that he'd take it.

As we walked down the street, he never did, and I strongly believe that this was foreshadowing for how the evening was going to go.

We reached the restaurant and sat down at a table together, browsing the menu and looking for something that took our fancy.

"I think I'm going to have lasagne." Brad smiled to me

That was James's favourite

"You sure?" I asked and he nodded "mmkay, I'm going to have the spaghetti." I hummed

After ordering and eating the food, small conversation was made but we mostly kept ourselves to ourselves. Towards the end of the night, having admittedly drunk a bottle of wine each, we were both pretty much drunk.

"I really like you Trissy." Brad sighed, resting his head on his hand and sighing "but I think you're too sad and clinging onto James too much to love me." He sighed, looking genuinely sad "but I'm going to stick around and try and help."

"Mmkay Curley." I smiled, not really registering what he was saying because all I could think about was how James sat like that all the time and how he always called me Trissy.

That was his name for me. Why does Brad think he has the right to call me that? He thinks he's James. Well he's not and he never will be.

"Don't call me Trissy." I said quietly, the alcohol in my system making me become progressively angrier the more I thought about James "you don't have any right to call me that. You come waltzing into my life thinking you're going to replace James and make me forget about him but you're wrong, you're so so so so wrong." I snapped, standing up from my seat and heading towards the exit of the restaurant, ignoring Brad trying to follow me.

Looking back at it, I was a dick and completely over-reacted but the grieving mind is often inconsolable and irrational, so I'm not entirely to blame.

I wiped tears away as they fell down my cheeks, I hated crying, especially in front of people but since that night it seems to be a regular occurrence.

Once home I crawled into bed after stripping off down to my underwear and got the pillow out that I kept underneath the bed along with one of James' sweaters, both unwashed because they still smelt like him, and to this day, I still find it calming to be able to have that one thing left of him linger in the house.

I wrapped my arms tightly around the pillow and buried my face in the soft fabric, taking deep breaths in an attempt to calm myself and clear my mind of both anger and hurt.

Eventually I wore myself out by crying and wishing James was beside me right now to comfort me and play with my hair and tell me it was going to be okay, but the reality was, he was never going to be able to do that because he was never coming back and the closest person in ever going to have to him was Brad. But I had just fucked that up.

Perhaps being alone is for the best, like Brad said, I'm too broken to love anyone again