Songbird (Tradley AU)

Chapter Fifteen - The Words Were On My Lips

"Tris...don't go," Brad said quietly, grabbing on to my wrist as I got up to leave "Stay the night, again, please?"

"Curley, I'm gross." I shook my head with a fond smile "I haven't showered in like three days, these clothes are god knows how many weeks old, I'm going home."

"You can shower here? And I'm sure Dan will have some sweatpants that are here or something that'll fit you, I just don't want to be alone tonight, tomorrow? You can go home tomorrow." Brad decided, pulling my wrist so I ended up falling back on to the couch.

I rolled my eyes and smiled again, a small laugh leaving my lips, deciding to give in to the small curly boy "Okay okay you win." I giggled

"Good." He smiled, putting his short little legs over my lap and leaning back in to the arm of the couch "I don't wanna cook tonight, you chill with a takeout, tris?"

I shrugged "sure, you're paying for it though, I'm broke at the moment."

Brad sighed and looked at me with an eyebrow raised,
"Fine, but you'll have to pay me back." He laughed a little, reaching over to the coffee table to get his phone "Pizza or Chinese?" He asked me

"Is that even a question? Pizza, c'mon I would've thought you'd've known that." I answered with mock offence

"True, true." Brad shook his head, his curls bouncing as he did so.

"Right whilst you get food, Imma go shower." I told him, tapping his legs to get him to move them out the way.

"Awh no fun, I wanna come too." Brad pouted

"Order the pizza and then come and jump in." I joked, getting up and heading towards the apartments bathroom, closing the door, but leaving it unlocked in the hopes Brad would actually come and join me, because wouldn't that be fun.

Whilst I was showering I thought about everything I had been thinking about the past few days, as a whole, letting the warm water carry me away into my thoughts.

In the fifteen minutes I was in there, I thought particularly about Brad and I, more importantly how I felt about Brad and I, how I'd feel if things stayed the same, how I'd feel if we ended up together and how I'd feel if our circumstances changed all together.

And whilst it hurt me, I decided to let Brad do whatever made him feel best, I didn't want him to fall into the deep dark state of mind I had caught myself in since James had died.

All I wanted was to be able to kiss Brad and tell him I loved him, tell him how beautiful he was all the time and to be able to call him mine. I, however, also accepted that he'd probably never see me as more than a friend or a casual fuck, but as I had said before, if that's what he wanted, that's how I'd learn to accept it.

Besides, my heart could never wholly belong to anyone again, and what's the point in love if you can't give the other your heart, mind, body and soul in their wholes? James would always have a piece of me, I couldn't deny that, no matter how much closer I got to accepting that he was gone, and definitely couldn't come back, I still don't think I'd ever be able to love someone like I loved him again, and yeah, I thought I loved Brad like that, but looking at it, I lusted after him too much, too much of what I thought was love was just desire for each others bodies for it to have ever been truly love.

About twenty minutes later, I had washed my hair and my body, and got out of the shower, Brad never having joined me, which was okay.

I wrapped one of the white towels from the rack around my waist and headed out of the bathroom.

"Hey, uh Curley can I use your room to get changed in?" I asked, standing in the doorway between the main bit of the apartment and the kitchen, my arms either side of my head as I leant on the doorframe

"...yeah...that's, uh, fine." Brad hummed, nonchalantly checking me out and as I turned to go to his room, I saw him open and close his mouth, as if he were to say something before shaking his head.

I found a pair of sweatpants that just about fit me, they were a little short in length on me, but wasn't everything? And I just decided to steal one of Brad's hoodies, since he seemed to wear them three sizes too big for him anyway.

I walked out of the bedroom and sat on the couch, seeing Brad paying for the pizza before copying me, putting the pizza on his lap before opening it.

"Dude I'm so hungry." He laughed, taking a slice and biting in to it "you wouldn't believe." He said through a mouthful of food

"Honestly I completely get it." I answered, doing the same "like, when James died, I was so depressed I didn't eat for literal days." I sighed, taking another bite.

"That's sad." Brad hummed "at least you're eating now though, like you're happier now right? You're happier now than you were?"

"Of course." I nodded with a frown "I still miss James, and I'm hurting a lot still, but some of that is from other investments my heart has made? I'm not entirely aching just for James anymore? And I think that's partly be chase you've helped me learn that it's okay to be sad?" I explained, taking another slice of pizza

Brad hummed and nodded, watching me eat the slice, almost as if he was watching my lips, as he put the pizza box down on the coffee table. "Hey, tris." He said quietly, waiting until I had swallowed the bite I had taken before leaning up and pressing his lips to mine, I ignored the slight garlicky taste we both had to our mouths and focused on how soft his lips were and how they were actually pressed to mine.

"I love you." Brad whispered quietly, his hand gently resting on my jaw, his gorgeous brown orbs staring right into my soul, his forehead resting on mine "I always have fucking loved you, I was too scared to say." He smiled

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck

I can't have this now, I've just figured out that it would be okay if we didn't end up together, this is not okay this is not okay this is everything I wanted, everything I don't deserve, he deserves better, you need to tell him no.

My heart began to beat in my chest, so loud i'm sure Brad could have heard it over the quiet hum of the TV, my eyes began to sting and my breathing became shallow, i was paralysed.