Songbird (Tradley AU)

Chapter Four - I Try My Best To Keep You Around

4am, I woke up slowly, as per usual and got out of bed, throwing yesterday's clothes on and heading downstairs to nurse my mild headache and go and visit James. Whilst I was making my coffee I decided I would also go and lay some flowers on James' best friend, Connor's grave because it had been a while since anyone had been to his grave, his family not being able to bear the pain that seeing their dead son's headstone brought, not only through the painful reminder of the fact that he was gone, but through the memories of the happy boy that was stolen from them.

Once my coffee had been downed and I had laced up my shoes, i picked up two roses from the vase I kept them in, on the shelf by the door, so I could grab one easily in the disorienting hours of the morning, after grabbing the flowers, I headed out the door, almost stepping on the sleeping boy on my doorstep.

"Curley?" I asked, confused "why are you sleeping there? Why didn't you go home?"

"Hmm?" He hummed, stretching out his clearly sore muscles "oh...Hi tris, I...I didn't have any of my keys to get home or any money on me to get a cab, and you were mad at me, so I had nowhere to sleep but here." He explained

"Oh...shit." I sighed, digging in my jacket pocket for my house keys and turning and unlocking the door I had just pulled shut "um, go in, have a shower and grab something to eat, I'll be back by 6:30."

"You going to see James?" He asked "can I come?"

I hesitated because although it'd be nice to have someone there whilst I sat on the bridge but at the same time i didn't think I trusted Brad enough to let him hear all the things I wanted to say to James today, almost every single one about him

You're not ready for that yet

"Uhm, I'm going to have to pass on you coming." I said quietly "it's just that this is a really personal thing and I don't think I'd be able to say everything I want to say if you were there, so maybe one day soon yeah? Just not today, go inside and get warmed up, I'll be back by six thirty."

"Okay, I understand." The brummie boy smiled, turning around and going into the house,
Of which I was holding the door open to.

Once I was sure Brad was safely in the house i began heading to the bridge, and sat and watched the sunrise wth my lost fiancé, musing about the small brown haired boy who had walked into my life and reminded me so much of James, I told him so much more than I would ever care to tell any living person, nobody but James could hear this, nobody but James made me feel comfortable enough for me to share my innermost thoughts, I left him a rose, as per usual, watching it fall and be carried away down river by the small currents running through the water, before getting up and starting to head to the graveyard where con was buried. Once in the burial ground I looked around for the new looking headstone, finding it concealed behind a tree, like it always has been.

I knelt down by the stone, reading over the gold engraved letters, running my fingers over them

Connor Samuel John Ball
Friend, lover, brother and son, dearly missed by all
March 15 1996- March 14 2016

"Hey con.' I smiled, sitting so that I was facing the stone "I miss you you know dude, you made James so happy and you gave him something to live for, you were always so fun but at the same time smart and polite and that always fascinated me." I smiled "your family miss you, they can't come visit you because it's too sad to remember how many opportunities were taken away from you, you were so young and had so much to live for. It's disgusting that you were attacked for who you are, babes, it's so disgusting that you were put you through so much hurt and hate at such a young age, we all loved you, so so so so much, hopefully you and James are together again, eh? Can you imagine that? The tag team back together, wreaking havoc in the after life?" I smiled again, this time at the ground beneath me "Hopefully you're both happy and resting in peace, away from this awful awful world that hated you because of who you are, and every day I live in fear of being attacked because I'm gay, but I'm trying to take that fear and turn it into empowerment, just as you did. Pride is this weekend, I think I'm going to go in honour of you, face paint and all, just how you and James celebrated it, properly." I smiled fondly at the memories of my fiancé and his best friend getting ready to go and celebrate pride, myself not wanting to intrude on their fun, James was always the kind of person to keep His friendships separate from his relationships so that when the relationship ended he wouldn't lose friends, but since we were engaged, he let me become closer to con and he was one of the most amazing people in my life, all I could think about how amazing it was that this one person had known the parts of James I was only just discovering and seeing, for years, he knew James better than himself, and that always left me awestruck that he could devote himself that much to one person, and James to be able to do it in return and still love as deeply as he did.

Once I had gotten up and started heading out of the graveyard, I saw someone who I recognised as Connors ex-boyfriend, Avery, holding a bunch of pink and white roses (cons favourites), this boy had cheated on him, broke his heart and tried to get him into drugs, causing a divide in cons heart because one side of him knew it was so wrong and illegal and dangerous but the other side of him wanted to make Avery stay just a little longer, and seeing that conflict inside of such a sweet kid was awful and heartbreaking in itself.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" I glared at the black haired boy

"I've come to say sorry to con." He said quietly "I know it's clearly too late, and what I did was extremely awful and wrong and I can never forgive myself for trying to corrupt him, I wasn't in a good place and I was a mess and I should never have dragged him into that, I know, i know, I know. But I've straightened out now, I want to be able to tell him, I want to be able to apologise and pay my respects, properly." He explained

"You broke his heart." I said quietly through gritted teeth "and by hurting him, you hurt the people around him, that including my fiancé."

"I know and I apologise for hurting him and everyone around him." He replied sincerely, looking down at the floor

"That doesn't change what you did!" I half yelled, feeling a small pang of guilt at yelling in a place of rest, but I couldn't help myself, I didn't want him going anywhere near cons grave, not after what he did to the poor boy.

"Tris, please, calm down," he attempted to console me "I'm sorry for what I did, it was really shitty, but I have a right to grieve and apologise to him, as much as you do or anyone else that knew him."

I sighed in defeat and shook my head, looking in the same direction as him.

"I'll see you around." I mumbled, heading towards the gates, the sun being fully risen by now, I walked back to my house and sat on the couch, being aware of Brad making himself a coffee in the background.

After a few minutes of laying on the couch and staring at the ceiling, I eventually let the sound of movement lull me into a sleep, letting it be the soundtrack to my dreams.