CALORIES

July 14

I woke up this morning and immediately weighed myself like I do every other morning. I walked to the bathroom, took my clothes off and anything that could add even a little bit of extra weight. I then stood on the scales and saw it had went down. It hasn't went down dramatically but finally it's making a difference. I still feel like a failure thought, just because it's went down doesn't mean I'm still not fat. I am huge and disgusting and I wasn't suppose to be eating anything today but I had to. I like the feeling of not eating, I feel in control it's the only thing I can control and even then sometimes I can't. I don't like the dizzy spells or the stomach pains but I'm a way it makes me feel like I'm achieving something so it's good in a way. Tomorrow I have to go to lunch with my family but I only going to eat something very very small and then nothing else for the year of the day and I'll definitely do a workout to burn it off. I can't wait to go back to school where I can restrict as much as I want and no one will notice. Occasionally my friend will ask why I'm not having lunch but ever since I was little I haven't been a big eaten so it's not unusual. I am so glad I was like that because it means my family don't suspect anything either. My dad makes jokes about me never eating dinner and it's really annoying but he has a tiny appetite so I just mention that or say well I get that from you.
It's currently 04:09 and the sun has risen and I can't sleep. I can't stop thinking about everything, my brain won't shut off. I am so ashamed of myself for today it's been awful and I know tomorrow morning when I weigh myself I will have gained. I'm so scared its terrifying to look at the scale and see the number stay the same never mind go up. This will never ever end I'm stuck in this same cycle and I'll never get out of it not until I'm at my ultimate goal weight.
My day ends the same every night, I cry and hope that I don't wake up.