Let's Play Pretend

Informal Angel

Karylle watched in horror as nurses pace back and forth inside the intensive care unit. It's been four hours since the operation. The bullet had been successfully removed, but the damage had been underestimated. They didn't expect this kind of hemorrhage. Hindi na nya nabilang kung ilang nurse ang naglabas pasok sa Room at tuwing may maririnig syang sigaw na CODE BLUE ay para syang mamamatay sa sobrang sakit na dulot ng matinding kirot sa dibdib nya. She remained quiet, faint sobs and shaking hands from fear and guilt.

Dapat ako yun. Dapat ako. Dapat ako! Patuloy nyang sinisigaw sa sarili.

"Karylle." Nanginginig ang boses ni Anne nung tinawag nya ang kanyang kaibigan. "I called his family. They booked tickets and said they're coming as soon as they can. Billy and the others naman are doing their best to help the detectives Para maumpisahan na ang Investigation."

Tumango lang si Karylle at napatingin sa damit nyang punong puno ng dugo. Vice's blood. "Hindi to totoo." She whispered, her voice filled with remorse and disbelief. "Niloloko lang tayo ni Vice, diba?" She smiled but her eyes suggested otherwise. "Hindi to totoo, Anne. Hindi ito totoo!" She cried in pain, tears began to fall down again. It's coming again, it's consuming her. Dapat ako nalang. Paulit-ulit nyang sinisigaw sa utak hanggang mahulog na sya sa upuan kakaiyak at bumagsak ang tuhod sa sahig. "Vice naman kasi eh! You didn't have to save me!"

Anne tried her hardest to keep her best friend from doing something erratic and irrational. She has to remain strong. "Karylle." Muling iyak ni nya habang pinipispisan ang ulo ng dalagang akap nya. "He'll be fucking okay, okay?! He's strong. Vice is strong. Wag kang ganyan. Get the fuck up!"

*****

Torturous hours had passed, turning into days. A month and a half passed by so quickly, and not even an inch of progress has been made. Nurses are still changing gauze after gauze. The wound may have healed but the bleeding just won't stop, the bullet penetrated and the damage it caused was too deep. Different kinds of apparatus are attached on the almost lifeless man's body just to keep him alive, and everyone close to him watch from afar as anonymous faces tried their best to prevent the man from truly dying.

"Putangina ano ba naman to!" Sigaw ni Babot at nagdabog sa waiting area kung saan nandun ang buong pamilya ni Vice. "Magpalit na tayo ng doctor!"

"Don't be stupid, Bot. Let's face it, almost two months na syang ganyan. Even doctors warned us from the start na ihanda na ang sarili natin, diba?" Emma replied with much emotion as he did before. He's not insensitive, this is as hard for him as it is for them. Hindi madaling mawalan ng kapatid, pero mas hindi madaling gampanan ang pagiging panganay. Lalo na at unti-unting nawawala sa katinuan ang kanyang mga kapatid at nanay, the stress had been too much. "The more we try to hold on to him, the more he will suffer."

"So ano, hahayaan nalang natin syang mamatay?!"

Pilit na itinatago at palihim na pinupunasan ng iba pang kapamilya ni Vice ang kanilang luha. All of them remained quiet and only listened to the never ending banter of Emma and Babot. Especially Rosario, she can't even look straight at her son. The once full of life boy that she cradled in her arms is now dying, and it kills her every time the doctor would remind them that it's almost time.

"So... so when? Kelan nila ito-turn-off ang mga machines?" Rosario's question was almost as silent as whisper pero narinig parin to ng magkapatid. Her eyes dreadfully loomed on her son who was lying on the bed. She stood up from her seat and slowly approached him, and when she was close enough she placed a soft, gentle kiss on his forehead. Lingering. Longing... for a miracle. "Kelan nila tuluyang papatayin ang kapatid nyo?"

And then she couldn't hold it any longer. Ibinuhos na nya lahat ng naipong sakit. Lahat ng luha na pilit nyang pigilan dahil iniisip nya na baka may pag-asa. Na baka imulat pa ni Tutoy ang kanyang mga mata. Sometimes hope is all we have, and when all we have is lost, that's when we start to fall apart.