Let's Play Pretend

There Is No Middle Ground

Laging sinasabi ng karamihan na tuwing dumadating sa punto ng tao ang puro at hindi malampasang kalungkutan, parang kinuha sa kanila ang pinaka-mahalaga at importanteng mga bagay sa buhay nila. Like the once bliss that was heartfully felt became fleeting. It left no mark, no sense of emotion.

The love songs you once loved meant nothing. The things that made you laugh exist only to intensify the numbness that is dwelling inside. Everything in the world seems cold, and slowly you've become in-different.

Nakatulala. Wala sa sarili at walang bahid ng emosyon sa katawan nya habang nagsasalita.

Isang masamang balita. Isang nakakalugmok na pangyayari. Isang maling nagawa. Isang pangyayari lang, at maaaring pumutok na o mabuhay pa ng isang araw sa mundong punong-puno ng sakit.

The only escape was death. A slash on his wrist, then the warm blood on his veins dripped until he felt cold. Until he felt like it was over, and he will no longer suffer.

That's what he thought when he almost committed suicide when he was still a young and naive teen.

Mahirap mabuhay sa isang mundo na taliwas ang pangarap mo para sa sarili mo at expectation ng mga tao na nasa paligid mo. He was the only man in the family, the rest of his brothers were gay. And being the only boy in the family made his father love him, care for him. Which ultimately lead to the jealousy and inferiority of his siblings towards him.

Namuo at lumaki lalo ang mga demonyo at halimaw sa utak nya ng mamatay ang kanyang ama. He felt so pressured and so alone, specially when Rosario left.

If only I wasn't born like this. If only I was normal. If only I could be everyone else.

That's what he thought before.

Vice jolted violently, in a state of shock ng bigla na lang magbukas ang kanyang pintuan at pumasok sina Buern sa kanyang dressing room. He was on his way to his seventh cigarette. No wonder why his lungs sucks at being lungs.

"Musta, meme?" Maligalig at malaki ang ngiti ni Buern sa labi ng batiin nya ang binata. "Gutom ka na ba?"

Hindi nya tiningnan ang kaibigan at basta umiling lang sya. Bagkus patuloy ang pagtakbo ng kanyang mapag-larong isip. He only looked up to check the time.

2:05 PM

Three minutes pa at tapos na ang break time nila. Malapit na syang mag-perform. Kailangan muling pasayahin at patawanin ang mga tao.

How long will he wait until he can finally claim the happiness he deserves? Akala nya, okay na ang lahat. Three or five years ago, he thought his life was at its prime. Na nothing will stop him from claiming his birthright, to be happy. Akala nya, being famous and having his pockets filled is the only way for him to be on top.

Mali pala sya. If only he could turn back time, kahit ten minutes ago. Maybe his life might've changed if only his pride would let him.

Baka nga naman pinapag-tripan lang sya ni Gelio ng sabihin nito na maghihiwalay na sina Karylle at Yael. But still... the look in her eyes, the pain that he could see through them. It was as if he saw his stupid and eighteen year old self in Karylle. It's as if she's as lonely and helpless as he once was. That she's living inside a nightmare, in which the only way to escape the darkness is to let yourself step inside a place which is much darker.

He can feel how much she was really hurting with the same will she had to talk to him... Kahit kulang na lang ay itaboy nya palayo ang dalaga.

Pero kahit ramdam nya ang paghihinagpis ng dalaga, hindi nya magawang salubungin ito dahil naduduwag sya. Paano kung hindi sya ang taong makakapag-bigay ng ligaya dito, kahit na lubos ang pagmamahal na kaya nyang ihandog at ibigay.