Chances

09

I walk into my therapist office and sit down in the chair. I suffer from PTSD. I have it for two reasons one the whole Chresanto raping me and kidnapping me shit that's the major reason sometimes I would wake up screaming and Chresanto would try to calm me down but I would always wind up fighting him thinking that all the shit was happening all over again. I thought  about ending our relationship a couple of times because of it but never did. The other reason I was because a couple of months back I just picked up Jamilah from school so we were driving back home when she started acting up and yelling so when I turned around to tell her to stop I hit this little kid. What made matters worst was that he went to Jamilahs school and they were close friends. I was so scared I thought he was going to die, but thank god he didn't I was so scared and I would always think what if he died and shit like that.

"So how are you feeling Brianna?"My therapist asked

"I'm fine."I said

"Have you been taking your medicine?"She asked

"Sometimes, yeah."I shrugged

"Brianna you have to take your medicine all the time we don't need you to be having outburst again."She stated

"Sometimes I forget my bad."I said

"How about you ask Chresanto take remind you to take your medicine."She said

"How am I gonna ask him when he has his own medicine to be worrying about taking which he doesn't even be taking the shit half the time."I snapped

She didn't say anything she just raised her eyebrow at me.

"Look I'm sorry Ms.Walters but I'm not gonna ask him he needs to be focusing on taking his own medicine."I said

"Just ask him it wouldn't harm anybody. You need to take them because what if one day you have a outburst because you haven't been taking them and you hurt yourself or somebody else."She said

Once she said I knew I had to start taking my medicine I really don't want to harm nobody else.

"I'll ask him."I sighed

"Good now have you been listening to that song lately?"She asked raising her eyebrow

"You mean the song by Kendrick Lamar."I said

"Yeah."She said

"Yeah I have a lot actually."I sighed

"Let me ask you something."She said

"Yeah."I said

"You always say you think about Chresanto because of the situation y'all had but are you sure that you really aren't thinking about yourself."She said leaning back in her seat

Once she said that I swear the world stopped.

"W-what's do you m-mean?"I stuttered

"Well this is just a theory but maybe ever since the incident with Chresanto you thought that loving yourself is complicated because you are disgusted with yourself. You blame yourself because you didn't protect yourself like you wanted to so you're ashamed. You feel like all the confidence that you use to have for yourself is all gone like it has been broken. Now that y'all are dating people would ask you if you are his girlfriend so you feel like you are his like he owns you. You feel like he isn't shit and he has no sorts of talents because he never finished high school and doesn't have any productive dreams so that makes him not want to do anything with his life. You ask yourself what can you blame him for because he gave you something that you adore which is Jamilah but you can name several things that you can blame him for. Then at that you got pregnant as a teenager by him. Now with that and mixed with the stuff that happened in your childhood you feel like you ain't shit, you never liked yourself, the world don't need you, and you hate yourself. Then that all leads up to you always buying stuff for yourself thinking that would make you happy but really the hate that you have for yourself is still their which has eventually turned into suicidal thoughts and is also another reason why you are here but are always in denial about it. But then again it's just a theory."She said drinking her coffee(You will only really understand this if you listen to the song because I got the idea of this part from some of the lyrics)

My jaw dropped once she was done saying all that I quickly grab my purse and stand up.

"I-I have t-to go."I stuttered once again running out of the room

I ran all the way to my car and once I got to it I put my hands on the trunk and took deep breaths. She's not right she can't be right why would I feel that way about myself. I just don't know anymore since she brought that to my attention now that has me thinking do I really feel that way about myself. I got in the car and started driving home. I just kept on replaying the words that she said in my head.

You feel like you ain't shit

You feel like loving yourself is complicated

You hate yourself

You blame yourself

You have no confidence in yourself

You feel ashamed of yourself

You feel like the world doesn't need you

I was so deep in thought I didn't even realize I was home. I parked the car and got out. I walked up to the house and just stared at the door. I was kind of hesitant in walking in for some strange reason but I did anyways. I walk in and see Jamilah laying on the couch sleep and Chresanto looking at his phone. When he heard the door close he looked up and smiled at me.

"Hey baby."He said sitting up

That's when all the stuff she said that I might be thinking about him rushed in my mind.

You feel like he isn't shit

You blame him for several things

You feel as if he owns you

You feel like he has no talents

I didn't say anything to him which caused his smile to slowly fade away.

"Baby?"He said

I just walked away and went into our room slamming the door and locking it. All these thoughts have my mind racing with all these replays of what she said. I was pacing around the room gripping my hair trying to calm down. Chresanto then started knocking on the door.

"Brianna what is wrong with you open the door."He said

"Go away."I said

"Brianna what's wrong."He said

"Just go away."I said

"Brianna."He said

"For fucks sake Chresanto JUST GO AWAY!"I shouted

It got quiet and I knew he had left. I just sighed and slid on the floor. I didn't mean to yell at him I just don't know what to do. I started to cry because the words her voice they just won't go away. I knew I shouldn't have went today.

So the song by Kendrick Lamar is up above. That's the song they have been talking about. You should listen to it it's a really good song but if you really listen to the lyrics it's him talking about his depression, But yeah vote comment(which y'all probably not gonna do but it's all good😌😞)and I hope you enjoyed the chapter.