Onsra

Part 4

Later in the night, another bonfire was put into motion, but I was told it was optional by one of the camp leaders. After a short conversation with Chester, I realized the other boy didn't have a choice in whether he wanted to go or not and begged me not to attend. 

"I probably won't be back tonight... Be careful and don't talk to me," He repeated his infamous words of protection, that just drove me crazy with insanity.

The guys came back and decided to play some more baseball, inviting me to come along, to which I turned down once again. I sighed deeply and dove into my sketchbook, outlining the forest Chester and I talked in the previous night. When I reached the point where I wanted to outline Chester's figure, I paused, looking up. My eyes caught sight of the most forbidden thing they could find in the room; Chester's notebook. 

I uneasily got off the bed, shoving away my sketchbook, my attention completely focused on the object of my desire. I knew more than anything that this was the worst thing I could possibly do to Chester and I's relationship - which was hardly there as it is - but I wanted to understand the other boy better and hoped that maybe there was some information inside that could hopefully prove Brad wrong, though I knew in my heart that it wouldn't.

I picked it up, sitting on Chester's bunk, letting out a heavy and nervous sigh. I wanted to immediately delve into the pages, but knew I'd end up ripping the page or hurting the precious object if I became too excited. I carefully opened the first page, instantly being overcome with curiosity as I saw short sentences, mimicking poetry, but could easily be lyrics, followed by a paragraph at the bottom, small sketches skirting around the stanzas in the pages. 

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me

The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see

Wounds so deep they never show they never go away

Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past

Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have

Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back

And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside

All of the helplessness inside

Pretending I don't feel misplaced

It's so much simpler than change

It's easier to run

Replacing this pain with something numb

It's so much easier to go

Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made)

It's easier to go

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)

(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)

(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)

(I would take all my shame to the grave)

I wanted to tell my parents about what Scott's been doing to me every summer at camp, but I knew exactly what they'd say. They'd tell me that I wanted it or deserved it - which maybe I did. All I know, is that I want to runaway and never look back. The memories... they plague me and knowing that I'll make more every summer until I can officially leave has me reaching out for something I can't seem to touch - the heart of someone who cares about me. I need someone, anyone, to take away this pain and help me survive the loneliness. Maybe if I did, I wouldn't have to be afraid of Scott taking me away like he said he wanted to... I just need someone... anyone... to help me.

My heart broke upon reading Chester's aching words and I wanted to go down to the fire, hold Chester close, and push Scott into the flames. I knew I wouldn't and though my eyes were watering, I couldn't help but wonder if Chester wrote anything about me in the notebook. I flipped to a more recent page and had to tear my eyes away for a moment as tears dripped down my face. I tried to get ahold of myself before continuing reading.

Back in Hell, once again. Another summer to be wasted away along with my sanity. I'd much rather slit open my wrists and bleed to death than be here again with Scott, but at least my roommates this year are nice, unlike the idiots who tried to beat me up everyday last summer. I can't help but feel... hope. One of them, Mike, has been trying hard to get me to open up, which I did a little. I'm mentally beating myself up over it, wishing I hadn't said anything at all, but at the same time, I'm glad. Maybe this Mike guy is what I've been waiting for; someone who cares. 

-

A/N: 

My apologies for taking nearly a year to update this story and giving such a short chapter. Hopefully I'll remember to keep on top of this story and update more regularly. 

Thank you for reading!