Addicted To You

Recovery

My head was pounding before I even opened my eyes. When I did, shapes and colors blurred around me. I squinted and slowly things became clearer. With my vision now clear, I realize I am in a new place and I don't know where I am. And I don't know if I'm alive or dead.

"Gen thank God you're awake" I hear Leloni's voice

"Why do I feel like my chest is on fire?" I asks taking deep breaths

"Your heart was beating at an unhealthy rate and well you were very close to having heart attack," Leloni says sadly

I lay there speechless "What happened to Michael and Nikko?" I ask

"Well they both got kicked out they can come back tomorrow," she says

For a moment I think I don't want them to come back especially Michael.

"When can I leave?" I ask looking down at my hands

"They don't want you to have another episode so maybe a week," she says sadly

My eyes go wide I can't think of anything worse than being stuck in a hospital for a week. Surrounded by white walls, white sheets, the white robe on my body. I might go insane just at the thought of it. A single tear slid down from my warm, chocolate eyes, followed by another one, and another one, until soon, a steady stream of salty tears flowed it's way down my cheek, releasing the sadness and sorrow that has been held inside of me for all this time but still I did not make a sound. I let out a heart-wrenching wail, that was followed by a series of blatant tears. One would ask. Is it better to rack your body with noisy sobs and let the world know of your pain, or to slowly release your emotion within yourself with silent tears?

I feel Leloni wrap her arms around me which makes me cry harder. I'm not crying because of staying I'm crying because of Michael because of my mom because I relapsed because I'm the person who fucks up all of my relationships. I continue to cry wishing for everything to go back to normal. Wishing that I had never gotten into a relationship with Michael. I hold her like it's the last thing on earth. Like if I let go I will come crumbling down further than I already have.

Leloni left to go get me food I lay my head back I'm about to fall asleep when the sound of footsteps entering my room. I look up and see none other than Michael. The thoughts are accelerating inside my head. I want them to slow so I can breathe but they won't. My breaths come in gasps and I feel like I will black out. My heart is hammering inside my chest like it belongs to a rabbit running for its skin. The room spins and I put my head in my hands trying to make everything slow to something my brain and body can cope with. I feel so sick. I want to call but my body won't move my mind is focused on the one person in front of me.

"Gen, please hear me out" he says calmly he takes a deep breath "Look I was angry and I was worried about you know I don't like drinking and I was scared you would do something stupid and I know this is my fault that you are in here if I just gave you your space you wouldn't have cut you wouldn't of tried anything if I just wasn't an asshole you would still be with me home in bed just holding each other watching movies and just being together" he says his voice cracking at the end.

I don't dare to look up at him because I don't want want to see him and If I look I'll be crying too.

"It's not all your fault," I say barely louder than a whisper as if I say it any louder than the whole world will know.

"What," he asks stepping closer

" I said it's not your fault it was everything piled up on top of each other when you came over I snapped," I said looking at my fingers.

"Oh, I didn't know why didn't you tell me or anyone for that matter?" He asks sitting down on the chair down next to my bed.

"Because I thought I could handle it. I thought I could be strong but I'm weak" I say my voice cracking

"No Gen you're not" he reaches out for my hand but I pull it away quickly "you strong being able to come out of this alive"

"I'd rather be dead," I said crying at this point

"Baby please don't cry," he says hugging me but I don't hug back

We stay like that for a moment when he breaks the hug "Hey I got to go so I'll see you tomorrow" he kisses me on the cheek quickly saying I love you and rushing out the door.

I put my hand on my cheek still tingling from the feeling of his lips. The rest of the day was boring nothing new just test after test at about five Leloni left leaving my mind to wonder.

>•<

The next day I wake up to the sound the monitor constant beeping like an annoying alarm clock that won't shut off. I turn my head and see Michael sitting in a chair his arms closed under his head cause he's asleep. I rub my hands through his hair. He shifts slightly but doesn't wake up. Leloni comes in looks at me then smiles she walks back out and giving me a thumbs up. I smile at her he starts to stir he groans lifting his head up rubbing his eyes and looking at me and a small smile on his lips.

"Morning gorgeous," he says his voice still tired from sleep.

"Hi" I yawn "How long have you been here?" I ask stretching as much as I can in the hospital bed

"As soon as the hospital opened," he says guiding his fingers up and down my bandaged wrapped arms.

I move my arms away from him crossing them over my chest

"You don't need to feel ashamed I'll help you get you back on your feet" he grabs my hand again I tense up but then I relax.

"I'm sorry," he says in a whisper

"I'm sorry to" I still don't look at him

"When will you get out of here?" He asks

"Sometime next week" I look at him

He nods "When will you come home," he asks making me face him

I stay silent for a brief moment I'm about to say something when the nurse walks in with a table of syringes, tubes, and pills.

"Alright Genesis I'm going to need to change your bandages, take some blood and we are going to get you started on some medication the will help you take the depression.

" What's the medication?" I ask nervously

"Celexa," she says handing me a little cup with it

I take the pill with some water.

"So the side effects of them are..." I interrupt her

"I already know the side effects," I say coldly

"Gen don't be rude," Michael says to me

"Well, I do my mom was on this so I know what to expect," I say a little more rudely than I should of. He just sits back and looks at me getting out of the chair and walking out of the room.

"Is that your boyfriend?" The nurse asks

"Fiancé," I say

She takes my wraps off my arms and changes them and takes my blood when she's done she has five tubes full of it. I sigh and sit back thinking to myself why did Michael walk out all angry?

"Gen" I don't have to look up knowing that it's Michael

"What do you want," I say angrily

"What is your problem?" He asks very angrily

"I don't have a fucking problem" I look at him

"Why are you acting like this? One moment you're like the Gen I know then you turn into this" he says walking to me

"Like what angry that I have to take the same medication my mom took that probably all my friends are worried about me that after I get out of this place the question everyone is going to be asking 'Are you ok' constantly. How I feel like I'm becoming my mother. How I have probably fucked up every relationship in the past and how I have probably fucked up is one!" I get louder to the point where I'm yelling

"Genesis please listen to me I will help you get through this. We'll get through this. You are not becoming your mother you are the complete opposite. And the reason we ask you that because we never want to see you here again" he says wrapping his arms around me.

My thoughts became nonsense, and all the more interesting for it, I knew I was falling asleep. Now all I had to do was let go.