What You Don't Really See About Me

Makiah Eleven

     I am woken up to the sound of my phone ringing. Right before I grab my phone, it stops ringing. I check the time, it's 5:33 a.m. right now. Then I see that Levi called me twenty times, all within six minutes.

     Right as I am about to call him back, my phone rings again. I answer it almost instantly. "Hello?" I question.

     "Makiah..." He says quietly.

     "Levi, why did you call me twenty times? What's going on?" I ask, worried.

     "I don't know what's wrong. I need you. I just really need you. I don't feel right." He responds.

     "Are you okay?" I ask.

     "I- I don't know anymore." He responds. "Makiah, I made a mistake...don't be angry with me." he quietly adds.

     "I couldn't be angry with you. I'll be right over!" And with that, I hung up and basically ran out the door to Levi's house across the street. I didn't even bother putting on a jacket and slippers.

     I check to see if the door is unlocked, it is. So, I just walk in like I normally do when he's expecting me. "Levi?!" I whisper-yell.

    He doesn't answer. So I check his room, he's not there.

     Where can he be? Is he messing with me? I begin to check all of the rooms. I try to open the bathroom door but it's locked; found him.

     I knock, "Levi, it's me. What's wrong?" I ask.

     No answer but I hear movement. I begin to knock louder because he might've fallen asleep, for some reason. He's fallen asleep on the toilet before. He still doesn't answer.

     It worries me. I begin to knock harder and continue to try to get into the bathroom. "Levi, please open the door; you are worrying me!" I speak frantically.

     "Makiah." I hear him say weakly.

     I stop trying to open it. I remember there's a hole for a key on this side so I go into the kitchen and try to find the key in the drawers, where he had told me it may be at, once before. He told me about the key because sometimes the door would lock unnecessarily on its own.

     After searching for the key, I finally found it. I then run back to the bathroom door. I insert the key into the doorknob and turn. It opens.

     What I see before me....it's a sight no one should see.

     There in front of me, I see my boyfriend laying on the floor. But he isn't just laying there, there is a pill bottle on the floor next to him.

     I begin to panic. I kneel down next to him and shake his body. "Levi? Levi?! LEVI, PLEASE ANSWER ME! PLEASE COME BACK TO ME!" I scream at the top of my lungs. I begin to cry uncontrollibly. "I can't lose you, not today, not ever." I say as my voice gets quieter and quieter. I quickly get my phone out of my pocket and begin to call 911 while I continue to shake him.

     "Hello 911, what is your emergency?" The operator says.

     I take a deep breath, "My boyfriend took some pills and currently isn't responding after I've found him!" I begin to cry again.

     "Ma'am, help is on the way." She says. "What happened exactly?" She asks.

     "He called me to come over, when I got here I couldn't find him. I finally found him, locked in the bathroom. I unlocked the door to find him laying on the groud with an empty pill bottle next to him." I say, trying to calm myself down. I throw my face into my hands. "This is all my fault, I should have known!" I say, crying again.

     "Has he been suicidal recently?" She asks.

     "I didn't think that he was. We have been so happy, I thought that we both were. I thought....I thought. I should've known. I should've asked." I say, voice shakey.

     "Ma'am, it isn't your fault. With these types of things, they often don't want anyone to know. They don't want to scare anyone. They don't want help. In fact, right before they take the steps to hurt themselves, they seem extremely happy and at peace. You couldn't have known unless he had openly told you." She says to reassure me. "Ma'am the ambulance is right outside, open the door for them. Point them towards where your boyfriend is at. Please stay calm. Let them do their job." She adds.

     "Okay. Okay. Okay." I say, trying to get myself together. I open the door and four guys with a gerny jog in. I point them towards the bathroom and they head in there.

     "Thank you so much for your help. I have to go." I say.

     "No problem." She replies.

     I hang up.

     As they are bringing Levi out on the gerny, I break down crying. He just is so lifeless right now. He is always so full of life; seeing him like this, breaks my heart.

     It's hard to see someone that you love sitting there, not responding. You don't know if you get to say "I love you" again or not. You don't know if you'll be able to hold them again. You don't know if you will ever see them smile again. You don't know if you'll ever get the chance to hear their voice again.

     I walk back into the bathroom, to find a letter in the empty bathtub.

     The letter reads, "Makiah, my love. This is for you. The one thing I've wanted for the longest time was to be able to call you mine and I've finally been able to achieve that. You have given me the best few months. It was all I needed. I wanted to stay with you, I really did. But I am just not cut out to live this life anymore, I cannot handle it. It is all too much. I feel like you of all people should understand how that feeling is but you can actually handle it because you are so fucking strong, strongest girl that I've known. I love you so very much. Don't ever think that I don't because I do. This wasn't to get away from you, this was to get away from life itself. You are the most amazing girl that I have ever met. Never blame yourself for this. It is all me. I love you, you are my one true love. I can say that confidently. With much love, Levi Lark."

     I hold the letter to my chest, almost hugging it and I begin to sob. I just want to hold him and tell him it'll be alright and that we'll get through it but I can't. I can't. I can't. I fucking hate myself for allowing this to happen.

     I let my hands basically flop onto my lap. After dropping my hands, along with the letter, into my lap, I notice that there is something written on the back of the letter. It reads, "P.S. we will see one another again. I have no idea when but someday."

     My eyes swell up with tears.