Beautiful Tragedies

[41] Hypocrite

[41] Hypocrite

I stared at him and recollect all the reasons why I fell in love with this man. I always wondered before kung paano mag-mahal ang isang kagaya niya and this is the answer I got. That he would rather keep you on the dark instead of giving explanations no matter how bad you asked for it.

I am never asking for more. Yun lang naman. Because how could I ever go on with my life without closing this part of the book? If I would still be haunted by this chapter? I want to know why I am suffering from this pain, why I was trapped in the uncertainty. I just can't leave like this.

"Go home now, Cube" he told me again. But I never know where the home is. Home never feels like home. No one is there that made it home.

Umiling ako. "Kuya sabihin mo naman kung bakit ganito?" my voice was drowning with my sobs. There are few people passing by but I don't give a care. Kasi ganoon din naman sila. They are just curious about what's happening pero wala naman talaga silang pakialam.

"Nasasaktan ka na, gusto mo pang masaktan ulit?" aniya na para bang masasagot noon ang katanungan ko. I wiped my tears and stared hard at him.

"What do you know about my pain, Kuya?" halos sumigaw na ako. "I'm just asking for your explanation. At kung masaktan man ako, it is my pain to embrace. It is mine to own" tumaas na ang boses ko. Gone was the sobs that drowns my voices. All left was hate. All here was indifference.

"NABUNTIS KO NGA" sigaw niya pabalik na halos ika-bingi ko. His face was too laced up with frustration. Halos mapa-sabunot na siya sa kanyang buhok. "Ano, okay na? Nalinawan ka na?" he gritted his teeth. He already lost patience. And so am I.

"Nabuntis ko nga" ulit ko sa sinabi niya. Tumango-tango ako habang sinasabi iyon, trying to accept what he said. "Nabuntis ko nga" natawa ako. Is that it? It was thrown at me as if it was the most acceptable reason, na sa paraan ng pag-sabi niya para bang wala siyang winasak na tao.

"Ang dami-dami kong iniisip ngayon na problema Cube na hindi hamak na mas mabigat pa kesa dyan sa hinihingi mo!" madiin na sabi nito. His breathing was uneven. His chest rise and fall desperately. "You almost killed someone. Pero mas mahalaga pa sa iyo yan putang-inang rason na yan! Hindi ka ba talaga marunong mag-ant--"

I slapped him hard. So hard that I almost break one of my fingers. My chest was contained with anger I stored for months. "Para yan sa walang kwenta mong rason" I told him through gritted teeth. At isa na naman sampal. Sa kabilang pisngi "That is for lying to me" I could feel my hand stinging but I could'nt care less about the pain.

"And this," sabi ko tsaka sinampal siya ulit "For knowing what hurts me the most and you still did it perfectly"  my hand felt numb for continuous slapping but the pain was nothing now. Wala lang ito kumpara doon sa mga pinagdaanan ko. I dared taking torture all for him. This is nothing.

I dont know how to name this anger inside me. It was beyond recognition. It was beyond me. I never thought I could be mad as this. I never thought that my heart could contain madness as this. Isa na naman sampal ang gagawin ko but stopped in mid-air when someone grabbed it.

"Tama na" ani ng boses na iyon. I dont have to look up at him to know who he is. "I could'nt stand watching you as pained as this. So tama na" he told me. Pero umalis siya diba? Isang pagkakamali lang pero umalis agad siya. Pareho lang sila.

"Ako na ang bahala" dugtong niya. At bago pa ako makasagot ay sinuntok na niya si Kuya. Tumama iyon sa panga. It must be so hard that he almost lost his balance and almost fell to the ground. Akala ko ay gaganti siya but he just wiped the blood from his lips.

"Take her away from me" he just said.

Tatalikod na siya but I called him. I looked at him no matter how much pain his eyes causing me. Those eyes that I have fallen in love with. Those eyes that looked at me with so much love I thought would last forever. But it is just a hope. And now, the hope is gone.