YOU KILLED ME

Entry #2: She woke up from dreaming

Eanna, July 2016.

"He woke up from dreaming and put on his shoes
  Started making his way past 2 in the morning
  He hasn't been sober for days"

- Remembering Sunday by All Time Low

While I can feel all the lyrics of all songs in my playlist, you're still chasing for a woman who's chasing for another guy.

Funny. We're playing CHASING GAME. The first person who stops and give up the game, is the one who'll feel the pain.

A pain that can cause disease and a disease that can kill someone.

From being heart broken  to a dying woman. What a great twist and turn of life. I can no longer wish more. 'Cause when I asked HIM to get me from hatred, He answered my prayer in a single second.

I got hospitalized and woke up from the very happy truth that, I can never have those I want, only those I need. A wake up with a painful smile when I heard what the doctor said to my mom.

"I'm sorry madame, you're daughter is dying......" and some more things that almost kill my sense of hearing.

But to my surprised, even a tiny water coming from my eyes didn't appear. Just a curved formed in my face that everyone called smile.

Yeah, I couldn't cry and pity for myself. It's too absorb. I won't do it, I won't. Until I saw my mom slowing walking towards me, crying.

She hugged me tight, like she wanna kill me with it. She whispers, but the only words I understand was "sorry baby. Mommy loves you so much." By the time she told me that, I was like a crazy woman smiling and hug my mom back. See? At least, I have my moms love.

After that  when mom say she'll gonna get some food out there, I get my phone and wear my ear phones, entered my own world and simply reminiscing past. Thinking how happy I am before until now. Thinking how lucky and blessed I am and lastly, thinking what will happen when I'm gone. Would they miss me? Mom surely do. How about Dad and James? How about Anna, my best friend? or either Ken?

Questions filled my head. What will happen If I die? Where do I go? Heaven? Hell?

I'm in a middle of my thoughts when I realized the inescapable truth, I'm dying because of you.

ACUTE MYELOID LEUKEMIA, stage 4.