True Love? Who Knew...

Part 1

I was all alone.

No husband no kids.

No pets either.

I lived as a hidden writer.

I hid behind my computer and wrote about the life I wished to have. The life I wished I had with him. With the one guy I fell so deeply in love with. Yet I did trust it. Its not that I didn't trust him its that I didn't trust myself in anyway.

I couldn't for some reason be open to him. I would get to nervous. My face would get warm, my mind would overthink everything, and id curl away. 

I believe I was afraid that if he saw the true me he would leave. If he say my teenager flaws that he wouldn't want me anymore. I knew it was stupid but I wasn't the prettiest nor at all skinny. For gods sake I was 5'8 and 256 pounds. Now, then I just wasn't happy with the idea of a guy holding me. Even a simple hug or the hand holding made me fear that he would realize just how ugly I was.

I believed that no guy could love a girl like me. I was so broken in so many ways. I didn't know how to cope with everything. I knew I liked him but I knew that I cared way too much for what he thought of me. I wanted him to love me but I didn't love me. So how could I believe that he loved me. Even after four years of talking and liking him. I still didn't think I or him knew what we felt.

I remember all the times I laughed.

I also remember all the times I hurt.

I loved him so much. But back then I figured I was just being a dumb teenager. A dumb girl that thought she was in love with that senior guy because he gave her some attention. At the time I just figured I was being stupid.

He was graduating and moving on with his life. I knew he would find someone better and older than me. I figured he was the first of many. That I was over reacting with the I love you shit. Oh how wrong I was.

In more ways than one was I wrong. 

I was wrong for listening to my friend.

She told me to let him go. That she felt the same way I did once and she had to let go and she finally did, but she didn't realize I had tried. I had tried to many times over the four years. She didn't realize that I couldn't go on without him. That when I didn't talk to him I wasn't happy.

Yet I listened to her. After he graduated I let him go. I let him leave to live his life. I stopped talking to him. I blocked him on all social medias and I blocked his number. I had done this many times before but gave into my need for him.

This time.

This time was different.

 I had to let him go.

It was for the best.  

Well that's what I thought...