True Love? Who Knew...

Part 2

I did it for him.

I disappeared from his life so he could be happy, so he could move on, and not worry or think about the little sophomore girl he knew.

The first day after let go I was okay, but as time went on...

Oh god did I spiral out of control.

First it started with lack of sleep. I was up most of the time, sometimes I didn't sleep for days. My mind clawing for the communication of the one I loved.

Next was the lack of food. I had no appetite. My mind was to preoccupied with him to eat. I barley eat a full meal a week. I would usually only eat 4-5 meals a month.

Then it was the drinking. I began to drink any alcohol I could get my hands on. I need a way to escape without dying.

My grades began to drop and my friend began to hate me, for not being happy. They knew I was screwing up but they didn't try to help. They didn't realize that he had been my drug. The drug I was addicted to and wan now going into withdrawals. The thing is I did it cold turkey so it was even more painful.

Next thing you know I'm was the 5'8 girl that only weighs 110 pounds. I lost all that weight in a year.

I was now a junior. A junior with a fucked up mind and no friends. Funny didn't they all say they would be there for me? Nice.

At the time I was okay with them leaving. It didn't bother me. I shoved it to the back of my mind and built a wall.

I couldn't do that for him though. He meant the world to me. The only way I could lock him away in my mind was by drinking.

My mom was disappointed in me. I knew that, who wouldn't be. That is another thing I locked away behind that wall. I didn't want to deal with the pain of hurting my only parent left.

She offered to get me help, but I ignored her. I told her that if she tried to get me "Help" she would never see me again after I turned 18. Of course that was completely BS but she didn't know that. She knew that if I really got mad enough that I could never come back.

So she just watched. Stood on the side lines heartbroken as she watched her only daughter spiral to her death. She tried to get me to stop but this was the only way I could feel better.

Drinking was the only way I could feel happy. Not eating was the only way I began to like my body and not sleeping enough wasn't a problem anymore. Now I slept as much as I could. It was the only way I could see him.

Before when I couldn't sleep was horrible. I would think of every thing I screwed up, all the girls he will meet without me around, and the way he would live happily ever after.

I learned over the year I didn't want to think that way. I wanted to just see him and recall the memories in my dreams. I wanted to be happy again but there was no way I could be truly be happy without him. The dreams helped though, since they made me feel like it was a few years back still.

Sadly dreams don't last forever. So Id wake up pissed that it was only a dream. Id grab the closest bottle of alcohol and drink my anger away. Soon I would be a relaxed sad person.

Well im beginning to think I was just a shell of a person by then. I pushed everything a normal person would care about into a locked box in the back of my mind behind the growing wall.

I was slowly dying on the inside and out.

And there was nothing I could do...

Nothing to help me fix me.

Cuz what would help...

Was gone forever.