The Dusk Room

The Dusk Room chapter 30

Sometimes, you never realise what you have until it's gone. I for one, know this. It wasn't until Fane left for America, did I realise just how much I needed him. He's a part of me now, and without him; I'm totally lost. He said we needed this healing time, and to a certain degree, he's right. I am healing. Time is a healer and my time has been kept very busy with The Dusk Room. Having absolutely no idea of what I've been doing, the professional help that Fane had put in place, has been very much needed. I've never worked in a club, I've only ever danced and drank in them. Yet Fane was determined that myself and Lyla were to learn the managerial ropes. I know he's only doing it because I'll have access to donors, so I can freely feed without the need to turn rogue. Doctor Cairo still keeps close tabs on me, too. Since Abel's death, she's made it clear that's she's going to be involved with my recovery, whether I like it or not. Which is fine with me, I've realised that I do need the support. I can't talk to my mum about any of it. I just don't think she's yet ready for the conversation that I'm now a vampire. I have no doubt in my mind that we will one day have that conversation, just not someday soon. There's still so much that I'm wading through. So much that I need to yet understand. I feel different. My senses are different. They're all so very heightened now. Taste overpowers me. Sounds overwhelm me and smells overcome me. I have yet to discover the heightened sensation of touch. Since becoming a vampire, Fane and I haven't been intimate. In the grip of grief, I practically ignored him. It was only during the days before he left for New York, did I let him hold me. I savoured the affectionate kisses to the top of my head, but even then, I wasn't ready for anything more. Fane's last words to me were. "We need to do this, Darla. Some time apart from each other will give us time to really think. I know what I want. I just need you to know what you want, too."

And I do.

I want him. I need him. I love him.

He's only been gone a week and the missing I feel for him is like an endless ache. We promised each other that we wouldn't keep calling and messaging each other. We promised that we would use the time wisely to seriously think about what we both want from each other. In that week, I've discovered that I'm not a natural nightclub manager, although Lyla seems to have a natural flair for it. I've also discovered that being a vampire really does mean that I'm responsible for something that needs taming inside of me. The hunger: it's always there. My heart and mind also seems to be suffering with the same endless ache, only it's an ache that Fane has left me with. Just like the consuming hunger; it's always there. After the attack, that hunger had been suppressed by my hurt and confusion. It had become like oil and water; a separated but painful mix. Now I'm both physically and emotionally better, that painful mix is no longer immiscible. Now, I'm much more aware of the hunger. It needs to be respected. It needs to be tamed. If it isn't, it'll consume me. My grief somehow kept it at bay. When I was grieving, I wasn't truly aware of my hunger lurking within me. And I've grieved a lot. For Abel. My human life. Fane. All three have haunted me in very different ways and at one point, I didn't know which to deal with first. But I am dealing with things. Overwhelmed and lonely, I've been dealing with my ghosts and my hunger. I've been throwing myself into The Dusk Room, trying to embrace my new life. I now know that Fane was absolutely right to leave me here at the club. If he had stayed, I would have left, and on my own, I would have been dangerous. He knew I wasn't coping. There was no way in hell I'd ever cope on my own with my new-found hunger inside of me. He knew that, so he left. He knew that I needed to figure things out, with donors on tap 24/7. He knew I had to safely feed. If I didn't, I could become a rogue vampire. Every single thing that Fane has recently done, no matter how painful, has been done with me in mind. My grief made me selfish. I thought that I was the only one who'd been hurt by what happened, never stopping to think how it had affected Fane. For that, I'm now carrying guilt. But that guilt has kicked me up the ass. It's that guilt that makes me want Fane to come back to a stronger Darla. A less selfish Darla. Yes, it still hurts to think of Abel, but I need to think of him with Fane by my side. I need to allow him to feel it, too. I want to prove to Fane that I'm in control of who I am, that I'm still Darla. I need for him to see with his own eyes that although I'm now a vampire, I'm still me. That the hunger isn't in charge of me, I'm in charge of it. I'm not saying it's easy. There have been occasions when I've been with Lyla and have been almost overpowered with a need to bite her. She says I get this primal look in my eye, and it's then that she knows I need to feed. I am still very much, a vampire in progress. I just need to get better control of my feeding. Doctor Cairo has told me that new vampires feeding patterns are very erratic, but will regulate over time. Which I can't wait for. As well as I'm doing, the hunger is an absolute bitch. The only way that I've been able to describe it, and I have to Lyla, it's like the cravings we ladies get when on our periods. You know those crazy cravings that we get each and every month. It could be for sweet, salty or spicy stuff, you know the ones. Now times that crazy craving by a million...that's the hunger inside of me.