The Universe of Gas

A Lady's Guide to Flatulence

Countess Elise hurried into her private chambers, a book firmly pressed against her chest. She flew into the room, closing the grand doors behind her. She flipped through the book, her eyes gazing over the pages. Her etiquette book was her prized possession, helping through the maze of societal rules.

Today, the lady faced a new issue, one that did not involve tea or lords. In fact, she was quite proficient without the book's advice. No, today she had a new sensation in her body, something she did not recognize. She knew it was something improper, but wasn't quite sure what.

Of course, as a human, the countess had bodily functions to deal with. However, never have they been so vulgarly prominent. Something heavy sat in her cheeks and during her daily walk through the gardens, a vibration of the most horrid sort was produced. The noise reached her delicate ears and she gasped in horror. The weight refused to leave and suddenly, the lady found herself in a wave of distasteful noises and smells. It felt terribly uncomfortable as the wind pushed against the walls of her bum.

She was grateful for the lack of a gentleman's presence. If her beloved Edward heard his pretty bride handling her bowels in such a manner, why he'd call off their courtship!

She knew she had to find a solution, and she made haste as she flipped to the first section of the book: "A Lady's Internal Wind".
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A lady can push her bustle out, and relax the muscles. She must remain prim, keeping her chin up and her nose high in the air.

The lady did so, lifting her bustled posterior into the air. It was a rather elaborate dress, pale and ruffled, dripping in ribbons and lace. She lifted her head, as she always did as if a commoner had passed by. She relaxed her muscles, and suddenly....

The most distasteful vibration passed through her bum. The sensation startled the lady at first, and her cheeks quivered out a nervous breath. She sniffed, forcing herself not to gag at the stench, but kept her head up. The dress flapped a bit as more gas flew from the exit. Her petticoats and bustle wavered, rustling quietly as the air moved passed them.

Countess Elise whimpered. How she wished for the gas to finish! She would have never imagined that she, a loyal lady to her manners, would ever have to deal with farting. She believed only common crowds emitted such smells from their bums. But now, she knew better.

Repeatedly, the lady farted through her ruffled dress. Blushing, Elise looked at her protruded bum, wondering how such horrid things could come from it. Her bustle enlarged her rear, adorned with fine bows and fabric. It seemed prim and proper and she made sure to treat it with the utmost care, only letting it sit on the finest of furniture. Then, she felt the air move through her again.

FAAAARRRRRRRTTTTT. (0:26)

She wailed as she farted repeatedly. "Oh!" She exclaimed. The noise of the fart was unbearably distressing, to the point where the lady nearly fainted in horror. She felt horribly uncomfortable, the position was immodest and her bum was terribly loud. She felt unsatisfied with every fart, so the lady turned to the next page.

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A lady may sit with her dress surrounding her. She may choose to place herself upon a handkerchief or a pillow. She must sit primly and daintily upon her desired object and allow the fabric to enter her derrière. Again, the lady must remain dutiful to etiquette. Her nose must be lifted and if she does not use a hankie or has others to spare, she must cover her nose while the action is dealt with. The very least the lady can do is try to restrain herself by lifting herself ever so slightly if the object of seat does not work.

The countess placed herself slowly on the pillow. She was surrounded by ruffles of her dress, and she dared not to sit on it. Her posterior settled on the soft pillow, but grumbled from being restrained. The lady pulled out her frilliest hankie, and proceeded to place it on her nose. Then, she allowed the pillow to wedge itself in between the cracks of her butt. And it wasn't long until a gurgle of a fart emerged.

The sound was wet and full, even the pillow could not musk the vibrations. The countess was glad for the hankie perched on her nose. She pushed herself further into the pillow, farting warmly into the crease. She wiggled down, promptly farting into the lush fabric. A stream of foul air followed. The noise of the fart was great and the lady continued to push herself deeper into the pillow.

The fabric of the pillow grew warm as the lady continued to poot into it. Feeling a little distressed that the pillow had failed to contain her toots, Elise then lifted herself stiffly, pushing up her rear. The farting did not cease and the putrid smell surrounded the lady. She was forced to find another solution.
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A lady may lift her dress away from the area of discomfort, so as to avoid absorption of the smell. Again, she must stick her lower self out while keeping her chin up. This time, she must force the air down, but without grunting or sweat. A chamber pot must be near.

Countess Elise lifted her dress and her numerous petticoats away from her bum. She stuck her cheeks out, the white linen of bloomers curving around them. Then, she released another unladylike fart. She waved her bum up, pushing the remaining air out.

It was then she realized why she needed the chamber pot. The lady quickly settled herself on the porcelain, relaxing her rectum. Suddenly, a brown substance came forth. It sputtered and sloshed into the bowl as Elise lifted her dress up higher. She farted, the warm air escaping from her bum. The lady cried in distress as the poo filled the pot. The smell! The sound! The poo! It was all too much for the lady.

It was a long few minutes before the lady's colon was nothing but smelly air. She wiped herself daintily, quick to cover up the full chamberpot. The countess was unbearably hot from blushing and farting, so she picked up her delicate fan, fluttering it prettily in her face.

How could this happen? Elise was a lady of such dainty proportions, she was most surprised she hadn't fainted during her little affair. But at least now the pressure was gone, even though the lady had to experience such discomfort to relieve it.

But Lady Elise had one final fart to release, unknown to her. While sitting primly on the fine linen couch, with her bum in contact with her frilly dress, a final bubble of air shoved its way downward towards the exit. The fart was of massive proportions and Lady Elise could not help but shriek from its smell and sound. She felt herself quite stained and began to cry from her own uncontrollable impropriety.