robbers// the 1975

one more time

allie saw him storming across the motel parking lot long before she heard the urgent knock at the door. "allie? allie! if you're in there, please don't ignore me."

she thought about hiding in the bathroom until he left. but she owed him an explanation.

when she opened the door, matty was standing in the frame looking impossibly small and impossibly tired. there were dark circles like purple thumbprints under his bloodshot eyes, which held all the sadness in the world in their shininess.

"i love you," matty said, almost accusing her. "why did you leave?"

allie remained silent but stepped back, allowing him to walk into the room and sit on the bed. "you- you said you wanted a future with me, allie. and then you left. i've been out lookin' for you for two days."

"i'm sorry."

allie watched him bury his face in his hands, his bony shoulders hunched. "what's it about, then?" he asked from between his fingers.

allie sat beside him on the bed, feeling the cheap box spring dip under their weight. she chewed on her lip thoughtfully, resting her head on his shoulder. "i love you. i love everything about you. that's the problem."

"if you love someone, you don't disappear and let them look for you with their friends for two days."

"point taken, matty. but, i really do love you. that's the problem. i love that you're wild. i love that you're so optimistic. i love that you love so deeply. i never want you to lose those things."

"why would i? i don't understand."

"because i wanted you to change to fit my dreams. but i think... i think i need to find them on my own. i love you so much. but i can't get to where i need to be with you."

allie watched carefully as matty stared down at his folded hands. "so you... you don't want to live with me? you don't want to be mine?"

"matty... of course i do. forever. but i want stability. i wanna feel safe."

"doesn't what i want matter?" he pleaded. "i... i need you with me. you keep me sane."

"that's not my job, matty."

the expression on his face as he lifted it out of his hands was blank, and then saturated with hurt. "allie... the way you sound... s'like you never loved me at all."

those words made her heart ache desperately. "you know it's hard for me... showing you how i feel." really, allie had cried all of her tears. the past few nights had left her cold, stoic.

matty looked up at her, his eyes filled with determination. "well, it's not hard for me." he cupped her face in his hand, his fingertips massaging her jaw line gently before he lowered his lips onto hers.

allie let out a squeak, forgetting herself and her purpose as she melted into his chest, angling herself to deepen the kiss. it wasn't until her hands wandered down his chest to where gauze crinkled beneath her fingers that she realized what he was doing.

"we- we shouldn't be doing this," allie breathed, simultaneously pulling him closer as his lips traveled down her neck. "i'm trying to leave you."

"doesn't seem like you want to, love," matty observed, watching her chest rise and fall with labored breaths. "stay. please."

allie shook her head to clear it before pushing matty away just enough so that she could look him in the eye. "you're not doing this to me. i made my decision. respect it."

he hung his head in resignation, still massaging her knuckles in his hand. "so...that's it, then? you're just going to disappear?" he looked up at her, and then around them at the dingy walls of the hotel room. "you won't stay here, will you?"

"i'll figure it out. i promise. i'll be okay. i just need to be on my own."

there was a long, melancholy silence as they sat beside each other on the mattress that groaned with even the slightest move. allie watched matty play with her fingers, tracing the lines of her palms.

"i love you," he said again, as if reminding her. "please don't forget that i do." gently, he tilted her chin up with his free hand, carefully placing a painfully slow kiss on her mouth. "if this the last time i ever see you, as we are now... it better be unforgettable, yeah?"

allie muted all the alarms in her mind telling her she shouldn't, and wrapped her arms around his neck. "i guess. another memory never hurts." before she could think twice, her back hit the mattress, eliciting a shriek from the springs.

lips grew red and numb, skin was electrified, and goosebumps cropped up everywhere where skin touched skin. clothes were tossed and they were bodies- not two people never to see each other again, not girl and boy or man and woman, but bodies- with the goal of connecting in as many places as possible. the sensation of matty's warm breath in the hollow of her neck, and the way he smelled like home and bad habits (cigarettes, chewing gum and a touch of alcohol) made allie want to cry. she could still just stay like he wanted her to. but she knew she wouldn't be happy.

"one more time?" matty asked, his breath short. "then i'll let you go."

allie nodded, closing her eyes to savor the moment. the last time she'd see her bloody, bloody love. there was an merciless pain in her chest, tinged at the edges with love. but as much as it hurt to leave, she knew she couldn't stay.

"i love you."