Silent Screams

Part 2

We hadn't expected this to happen. That's the thing about life, you don't, you can't, expect what will happen to you. Sure, you can attempt to imagine what will happen but it will not be exactly as you think. We go about life, unsuspecting of the terrible things that could happen. Maybe you worry or occasionally realize that something tragic could potentially happen to us. The truth of it is, you aren't expecting tragic things like the car accident to happen when they do. You are totally unsuspecting when things like rape, robbery, shootings, and other such things occur. These things just happen. It is nearly impossible to prevent them and impossible to predict them, especially when it happens to us.

To prove my point I had not even thought about, let alone expected to lose Callie the way I did. One moment, one stupid decision, caused two deaths. I found out later, several days after the accident, that the driver of the blue minivan had also been killed on impact. I iddn't care at the time though, I was too immersed in the pain of my own loss. I should have reached to the family who had also lost someone. I read in an article in a local newspaper that the driver of the minivan was a 30-year-old man. His name was Henry, Henry Carter. He had been both a father and a husband.

Just as I wasn't expecting to lose Callie, I wasn't expecting the accident that scarred me so much would bring me closer to someone who would come to mean just as much to me.

_________________________________________

April 5, 2013

Today sucks, like most days. I woke up from a terrifying nightmare, a replay of the accident. It's been months now and I still relive the tragedy every night. I've tried staying awake to avoid it but my body betrays me with it's need to sleep. So each night I toss and turn as screams and shattering glass overwhelm my senses and fill my mind. I woke up from crying in my sleep, another betrayal of my pathetic body. I don't cry anymore, I've lost the need for tears having cried  so many of them. Tear express sadness and with my extreme sadness that runs bone deep, that never stops, I would always be crying.  So, I don't tolerate myself crying. Instead I turn to something that is always there, unlike my 'friends' who promise again and again to be there for me. They can't be though. Because, while they're out having lives, partying, hanging out with friends and being happy, I'm at home wallowing in my own depression. I would need them constantly.

My morning got worse when I fell down the stairs, twice. And, to add onto the normal crapiness of my life, there was yet another person who has joined the ranks of bullies who never fail to greet me each day with phrases and names such as; "Die emo scum!", "disgusting", "lesbo", "disgrace", "worthless", "ugly", "Satan worshiper". There are plenty more of them that I don't care to list. There are only a few people who don't express their disgust and/or hatred of me. One of these people is Lydia. She was a close friend of Callie before the accident. Naturally, we turned toward each other for comfort. We're close, but not too close. Another things I don't deal with anymore; relationships with people friendly or not. Lydia is actually able to function, unlike me. She can get through a day and smile and be happy.

I find it a daily struggle to not immediately turn to the pain. It's hard enough for me to even breathe each day, let alone attempt to act happy. My depressed mood tends to keep people away form me, which I mostly don't mind. I don't like to deal with the drama of their problems and I don't trust them with mine. They also wouldn't be able to handle my problems. No one in the whole damn school can relate to losing the love of their life to a car accident. None of them have had to drag their DEAD BODY out of a crumpled vehicle. None of them spent HALF AN HOUR trying to resuscitate them! NONE OF THEM HAVE HAD TO WATCH AS THEIR DEAD BODY WAS SHOVED INTO A BAG AND WHEELED AWAY! No one knows that I'm going through, or what I went through. They claim to understand, but I know that they can't.